Number 9

We've reached June 9th.
That's right.
Tuesday, June the 9th is here and so am I.

Did I expect to NOT be here? Who knows what's running through that crazy skull of mine...? (no seriously. who knows?)

Well, things have shifted, adjusted and generally gone all over the board since I last posted. I am back with my ex-wife, we have made amends, discussed our issues, put together plans and tools to help us avoid our past problems, and we are one.

Do I like this? HELLS YEAH!
I love her... loved her... will always love her.
I knew this, she just had some things to deal with first.
But I know her, and I know she is here and with me.
And this is good.

I took a silversmithing class and made her an engagement ring and my wedding band. I'm having to commission the casting of her wedding ring because it's gonna be custom as all hell and I can't find anyone to give me casting classes YET. But I plan on getting them eventually. Silversmithing is something I am going to be part of in some way for the rest of my life.

We both took Motorcycle classes this last weekend. I have ANOTHER new addiction. Our class was held in Bartlesville, you can get signed up at okrider.com if you're interested. Altho, I would warn you. Take the Bartlesville class. I have spoken with students from both the OKC class AND the Tulsa class and the instructors are NOT COOL. I have spoken with SEVERAL people who went to both classes and did NOT care for their instructors temperament, attitudes towards women, patience, skill level, etc. But everyone I know that has taken Bartlesville classes loved the experience. I know Leslie and I DID!

So now I'm cruising HarleyDavidson.com... I need a Nightster. It's not a want, not a wish-I-had, but a NEED. Genuine. Real. Solid. Need. Leslie has her sights set on a SoftTail. SO... altogether, we need $30k to get our dream bikes... that is doable.

Of course these are the "dream bikes" and we will be buying starter bikes as soon as we can... We would MUCH rather drop a starter bike while practicing than a DREAM bike. We've found some nice craigslist.com bikes in our price range, already done some drooling, dreaming, etc.

My biggest problem these days is integrating our two lives.

Trying to figure out how to be me, enjoy life, and still be bound to someone else. These are things worthy of my day-to-day. But only because SHE is the one I am doing this plan with. So, it's just another thing to add to my ever-shifting, always-growing, world-view and life-goals.

I am happy.
Alot.

It's nice to feel that breath of fresh air.
We both have changed so much. Besides the weight we lost while apart, and the weight we are still losing while together, we both went through some major life changes while apart. We are literally two completely different people than we were when we were together last. So it's very different, but the habits are the same.

It feels wonderful and scary at the same time.
Can we discard our past selves completely (or at least enough to maintain our growing?) and rediscover our new selves alongside our best friend?

She is my best friend... and this I love... I feel like everything has come back the way it's supposed to. You know that moment in a jigsaw puzzle when you see all these millions of pieces scattered across your kitchen table but suddenly you can see that the picture will be together soon? This is how I feel.

No, everything is not perfect, it might never be. I most likely will end my days with extra pieces left over... but my purpose isn't to put this puzzle ALL THE WAY together, just to have more fun than sadness while putting it together. And how do you enjoy a puzzle even more? Put it together with your very best friend...

I'm at work... I'm at home... I'm on the road... I'm smithing something with metal.
I'm a strong man... I'm deeply in love... I dream big dreams... I touch that which I love.

I'm grateful that life has presented me with the opportunities I have had...
I'm grateful for the people who have introduced their names into the list of actors in this movie called my life...
I'm glad to have enjoyed the sunrises, sunsets, and noon suns that I have...

What is next?
Guess I'll go find out!
(see you there?)

Love, Death and the spaces between

Well, things are shifting in my world for sure.

I've been in the dating world for about 6 months and I'm coming to the conclusion that nothing fits. Nothing except what I lost. My ex and I had the best and the worst fit. We each generated this area of light that repelled and attracted the other, and when we came together, it was at once both terrible and wonderful. Like a firestorm of pain and heartache, love and rapture. But I can't imagine anything else ever being worth it.

I've been self-diagnosed as a recovering love-addict. Intense emotions are the only vice I need. But I've drifted so far away from that living experience now that I wonder if I'm still the same? I've done some things recently that could be categorized as seeking out intense emotions... but it was more of an attempt to fit into a situation. To find something that would take my ex from my soul... to scrub her out and give me a new shot at life and love. And the time I've had to myself has been the most peaceful, balanced time of my life so far.

I've never stopped missing my ex tho... Not just because she was cool. I mean she was hyper-cool, superheroine cool, japanese-punk-goth-band cool... but because of the beauty she shared with me. Those moments inbetween us. Those shared slices of time that conveyed years of love and adoration.

Don't get me wrong, when it went bad... or just was dead-in-the-water? It was suicidal-wrong. I've had friends who recently found out about my divorce and were like "but you guys always seemed so happy?" To which I replied, "we were good at hiding the bad."

And we were.

The bad came from a couple angles in our life. I would cycle through this emotional trauma center of being this uber-caregiver. I would take care of her on bad days, discuss and harangue doctors and pharmacists and insurance agents to make sure she was being taken care of... I would hover over her, put everything that was me on hold for her, and even cancelled my future for her... most of it without her ever asking me to.

Oh she had areas that were broken as well... those shards of her that cut me deeply were just as loved as the ones that cared as deeply.

I think I know why I can't date properly.

I haven't stopped loving her...
I haven't stopped needing her...
I just haven't stopped.

I don't even want to...

But I tried.

This isn't worth it without her. It never was.

As a people I believe we seek to master two things in our time on this planet. Everything else is just a blend or a subtle slice of each.

Love and Death.

I see what Love is for me... It's my precious Skye... Lex... Leslie...
I know now that love will never be anything for me without her...
I name myself a Master of Love now... or have I named Love my Master?
Either way... Love is done for me without her.
I give... I quit...

Now the only thing left to master... is death and the myriad of spaces between us.

Changes... It's a Blog Thing

Well, it's been awhile since I've found time to write.
In the time between I've been through ALOT of changes.

Change #1: Relocation
I'm moving! Again! Yay! And Suck!
I'm moving into a great place... right off Riverwalk in Jenks. So I don't have to lose my walks along the River. I will be at a home so I can spin fire for practice again. I will have a Washer and Dryer IN MY PLACE OF RESIDENCE! Which I am SURE all apartment owners can understand the joy in that.

Change #2: Dating is Serious Bizness.
I'm seeing someone. I didn't wanna. But I am. I've been getting into my groove. Happy alone, no more feelings of loneliness. I was going out on occassion with new people so that I wasn't a hermit... and because I AM a social creature. Well, I met a girl and we went out walking... for exercise... the more time we spent together, the more... connection? I felt... apparently she felt the same way...

For someone who had written off love or relationships (beyond a phone number in a black book) I am suddenly smitten and goofy. And it's weird? I mean I fought those feelings. Fear that I was trying to replace my ex with someone new dissipated quickly when I realized I genuinely just enjoyed being in this girls presence.

I believe she may have the softest, sweetest demeanor I have ever encountered.

And for now (at least) she holds a serious amount of my attention. I never thought I would ever say it again, but this lady is one of the few who has the potential to hold my interest for quite a ways... I don't plan on losing myself in anyone ever again... But she doesn't seem to want that, and I'm not doing it... so far? so good.

Change #3: Re-Adjustment of life goals.
I thought I wanted to move back to Morro Bay... It seemed like the dream town. So I started digging through Maps dot Google and using the "Street View " to virtually drive through the streets of my old town... It isn't what I remembered at all. I was so sad. This was a dream I had started to cultivate and now it was dying with each street I drove down.

So where the fuck do I want to live... where do I want to finally root down at? Water was the one answer that resonated throughout my soul. So I've started looking at where the water was the prettiest, most defensible (in case of squirrel invasion or US government going crazy, lol), and the weather was enjoyable by myself.

Arkansas along the Illinois, Florida (or so I've heard, gotta visit), and Minnesota around the lakes.

*shrugs*

So I've got a weekend all set aside for my girl, lots of time, because the weeks ahead may be too packed for much fun. We'll see where the world goes...

A New Day Is Dawning

It's 11:27, do you know where your Yoga mat is? Cause I know where mine is...
It's time for Yoga!

See you all later!
Class Number One Today!

Just one more

It's 11:45pm.
It's been a full weekend.
I'm sitting here, packed my workout bag for tomorrow.
My bedroom is warmed up and ready to go.
I should be in bed.
Instead, I'm thinking.

Every moment holds within itself the promise of perfection.
Each second carries within it that possibility of utopia, of happiness.
Outside of that promise is monotonous repetition.
Every day passes one after the other.
Every moment passes this same mind-numbingly similar process.
But don't forget that promise, because that's why I'm still here.
Without that promise... that possibility?
I have nothing to be here for.

So forward I go. Doing the best I know how. Making each day take me with it, carry me on it's shoulders as I ride this wonderland ride called life. Each moment birthing me into the next as I search for MY purpose. My internal purpose, because I do not believe in an external one.

Because life is chaos... we are the order.
Life is the forest... we are the path.
Life is me... and so am I.

Breakin Up Is Weird To Do

So, my ex and I have been dating lately...
Well, in order to save our friendship, we had to break up.

Yeah, that's right...
I just broke up with my ex-wife...

I don't even know how you blog about shit like this?!

Ah well, my memoirs are gonna be featured on Oprah.

Repo : The Genetic Opera

So I found a new joy...
Repo: The Genetic Opera

Beautiful movie... you should see it.
You should also buy the soundtrack.

I have the movie AND the soundtrack... But that's how I roll.
I also have them both on my iPhone... ahhhhhhh....

Love my iPhone...

Well, it's Friday... I dont have any plans. So I am doing some Lynda.com videos, debating with a theist on Twitter, browsing, listening to the Repo soundtrack, and debating cleaning up my computer desk.

I really need furniture... I think I'm gonna have to get serious about getting some furniture. Hmmmmm...

I have a California King Platform Bed and two card tables.
That's it boys and girls...
ugh...

But it's all good...
Well, that's all I gotta say. Tomorrow should be a fun day, have my exercise planned for normal, then walking La Fortune with my ex, then I have a buddy outta town who asked me to feed his cat and nothing after that?! Hmmmmmm... ah well...

The day is mine... and on to it I go...