Daily Grind

So it's Tuesday night.
I got halfway through the movie The Matrix.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife returned my call half-way through and now I am not in the mood to finish it. Argh.

How am I supposed to feel when my s.t.b.e.w. (see above) calls and has to end the call because she is starting to get sad and feels like she's going to cry? Especially when she is the one who wants the divorce in the first place?! I don't even have a clue how to feel.

I'm so ready to get back to life.
I feel like my life is on hold STILL... however, to be honest. I do feel like I can almost sense those bonds slipping away slowly. 8 years of marriage is alot of baggage to unload. And technically it's only been a little over a month and a half. (right?)

I don't know.

I DO (however) know that I haven't had a chance to work on ANY of my other blogs. I mean my ability to process and deal with these emotions is "sometimes" (meaning most of the time) more than I can handle. I've been trying to do the social thing (it IS the Holidays) and hang out with family. But I feel naked without my wife.

I went to my younger brothers house where he was throwing a shin-dig, and I actually found myself wandering around looking for my s.t.b.e.w., I had something funny to tell her. I almost lost it. I ended up slipping downstairs to his basement / game room to just vegg after that. I couldn't think, couldn't process.

I'm THAT guy. I spent most of my damn pre-adult life learning about women, I watched so many women (through all the damnable churches my parents ran us through) complain about men not understanding. I made that decision to KNOW what it took to make a woman happy.

What a waste. Cause all women are different.

I'm done with looking for Mrs. Right. I'm so done. Not interested in any relationship deeper than really good friends. I don't have time, I don't have the energy, and I don't have enough scraps of my heart left for another run like this one. Just don't. I have NO desire to ever even give another woman a chance to do what has been done. No desire.

And it's ok.
No it's not.
But it is what it is.

There isn't a god to cry to, oh sure, I could make one up. But it would do just as much good as pissing in the wind, without wearing my urine tho... I mean that's just gross. Nasty. sigh.

Contempt. This is an advanced emotion according to Plutchik.

I've come to the conclusion that you can't deal with your emotions properly without knowing what emotion you are feeling. I am dealing with Contempt, which is made up of Disgust and Anger. Which sounds harsh looking at it in bold text (ok, I didn't bold it, but I should) but it's what I feel. For those who know me and my s.t.b.e.w., just understand something. You didn't know us. You may have known her before we were married, you may even have known me. But you didn't know either of us while we were married because we were MASTERS at Mask's, we were who we wanted you to see.

Hell, I don't even know myself lately.

Needless to say, I'm feeling Contempt. Anger, that's a basic emotion, and Sadness.

It started out as a GREAT evening, now I'm just in a bad mood. Ah hell, it's 9:30pm, I'm still fighting this damnable cold, and it's FREEZING outside. I'm going to bed.

Night.