The Healing Power Of Blogging

So I'm finding that I read back through my blog quite abit. More than I thought I would. I spoke with a friend late into the night last night, and it caused me to think about my wife.

My biggest problem, I am coming to grasp, is the understanding.

I'm one of those guys who would have stayed married despite an affair even. We didn't have anything like that. It was a letting go of emotions. We stopped loving each other in so many ways. But to ME, that means you renew. A marriage isn't about the LOVEY DOVEY feelings?! A marriage is about, I want to share this life with you... if we get side-tracked along the way, we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, help each other, and re-orient.

You have to get down to working at it when the emotions aren't there. I know we had a messed up relationship. I was a live-in nurse and housecleaner at best. Sure there was some intimacy, but it was always half-lived, stunted, it wasn't clean. I get that that can really take a chunk of your soul. But you don't just give up. You remember who you fell in love with. You work together to rekindle. You don't... just... give... up.

And that's what I felt happened.

That's what I don't understand.

But I've learned (obviously) that I don't have to understand something for it to hit me square in the face.

And that's where I am.

Oh I KNOW that I will get over this. I KNOW that I will move on and remember how to function as a single man. I've got friends, and the social ability to make more. I know that I'm a valuable person on many levels. I'm proud of who I am on so many levels. I've made some REALLY dumb mistakes that have hurt some people very close to me in my life. But it isn't a part of who I am, it was an aberration, a mistake.

I generally care for my friends, family, loved ones, whatever. I'm loyal, loving, tender, giving, the works...

My future isn't done. Hell, I'm just starting. But I really have to deal with this divorce properly, deal with the emotions as they come, properly, understand, grasp, process, and pass them. I seriously thought I would be past this already. Because in my past I have turned OFF emotions before, dealt with my first divorce like that. I hurt for about 2 days, then no more. Granted, that marriage last 10 months. And this one lasted almost 10 years. But I thought I would lock this off and move on.

The difference is, I want to be as complete as I can be now, and I have a good idea what all that entails. I want to live up to my fullest potential. I can't do that if I stunt myself emotionally. So I have to dredge through these feelings until I can leave them behind. Well, it FEELS like dredging through them. Mainly because I would have shut them down years ago and thought I was being healthy or strong.

Reading back through my blogs is providing me with alot of insight. I can see when I grasp something firmly and am able to move forward, past it. And I can see when I am stumbling around a concept and grasping at straws for most of it.

I've started down a path of philosophy lately. Something I would NEVER have dreamed I could even grasp. much less feel so entangled in. Struggling to find out why I am here, why humanity is here, what I can do about it... it's a long and arduous road with lots of pain and confusion. But I feel better for the journey.

Where will I be in 10 years?

Healthier...
Happier...
Alone... most likely.
( and living in a Smarthome for sure! )

I have to remember to remain true to me.
To allow myself no lies to myself.
Honesty only.
I believe this is the only path to true self-worth.