Moody Brooding

From the Ender Series, by Orson Scott Card

But he knew that she would never bend. Novinha was not a person who could easily change her mind. She had set the bounds of his future.
He should have been resentful, angry. He should have blustered about getting his freedom from a marriage to a woman who refused him. But he couldn't think what he might want his freedom for. Nothing is in my hands now, he realized. No part of the future depends on me. My work, such as it is, is done, and now my only influence on the future is what my children do-- such as they are: the monster Peter, the impossibly perfect child Val.

I'm reading the Enders Series on my Kindle these days, as I plan out my future. And whereas I don't feel the same lack of purpose that Ender does in this scene... I still feel some. That's what happens when you make someone else your purpose.

However, I am rediscovering a purpose for myself.
I am rediscovering a reason for each day.
Some days I get it right. I feel accomplished and solid and ready...
But I still find days where it would be easier to end it all.
But I don't... and I won't...

I'm too much of a gambler.
Life could turn into a perfect world for me in the next 30 seconds.

or it could stay the exact same for the next 30 years.

And that is why I continue to roll the dice...