New Perspective

It's all about the perspective, isn't it?
I mean seriously.

I was REALLY happy earlier, then I had to meet my soon-to-be-ex sister in law to deal with some of the paperwork / financial side of things. We got to talking, I asked her if my wife had said anything about the reconciliation e-mail I had sent her? Just probing, hoping to hear SOMETHING. (chuckle)

Nope. Nothing.
It dawned on me, no matter how badly she may be feeling, no matter the terrible emotional trauma this divorce may have on her, no matter how much she may miss me and the life we WERE building together... she chose this.

She chose to end something that didn't have to end.

She is the one who said, "I am not happy here. So this must end."
Not me.

I thought I had already dealt with this. Apparently I hadn't. I've been dealing with the grief and trauma from this whole event, but that doesn't mean it's gone. That doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for her that are tumbling around inside me.

I want to remove that link we share as husband and wife.
Not because I don't love her anymore, but because she let it all go.
Because she said it was easier to start over on her own, than to make this work.

Oh don't get me wrong. What we had, it had died a long time ago. We still 'cared' for each other, we still 'took care' of each other... but that love that you expect IN a marriage? We had lost it and replaced it with something else.

But that doesn't mean you give up... Those vows people make to each other in front of a priest or otherwise authorized official? Those are SUPPOSED to mean something. When you, or BOTH of you realize that the shit is all fucked up?

I'm commiserating with myself now. lol.
I'm mad, angry, upset, frustrated... I mean I have these feelings. In the last 7 years and 10 months, when I had these feelings, we discussed them together? Or I just buried them deep inside and blew up at her over something else later on. I don't have that option anymore. I have to just sit here, in my own mess. It pisses me off... but it's where I am.

I'm done with pissing and moaning. Time to shift. I've complained long enough. Pissing and moaning isn't going to fix this, moving forward, onto MY plans. That's what is going to make that change I desire. That takes time. So I have to figure out how to do those moments in between when I have made the plans for something, and when it actually happens.

Sheesh! I'm frustrated, I miss her, I'm really feeling lonely, and this is what life is for me right now. I guess I should just fucking deal with it and shut the hell up.