One foot in front of the other

It's an uphill climb somedays, and somedays it's a slalom downhill on skis.

Today is a decent downhill slope.

Finding each step required for my forward momentum, and then actually TAKING that step, is very exciting. Making new friends, battling the social anxiety that is so NEW for me, making life altering decisions despite having incomplete information... hard, hard and scary.

I used to be the guy who made a new friend everyday almost. Now, I've learned how to live without, not happily, but definitely live. So it's hard for me to open up and let go of my locks without just flying the door wide open. I seem to have lost any stopper when sharing who I am. Those healthy boundaries as well as the unhealthy ones are just not there.

Being around large groups of people is also something I used to have no issues with. Now? I am quite uncomfortable around groups larger than 3. I used to be an announcer for a Roller Derby Team, I've coached Little League Roller Hockey, Soccer and worked in youth ministries (back in my theistic days). Now the thought of being around large groups of people makes me queasy.

I guess part of this all is because of where I am. I KNOW that working through the baggage from this marriage is going to take time, and it's going to be tough. Figuring out how to be a good friend without emotionally vomiting on people is something I've got to grasp and quick if I hope to maintain the friends I have (and the new friends I'm trying to have). Learning how to be inside of me, and allow my feelings and peace-of-mind to stay balanced, is something I've gotta learn as well since I would like to be around and involved with large groups of people as well. Hell, I think it would be awesome to someday have something worth saying, people interested in hearing it, and speaking in front of audiences.

It's all part and parcel of the package that is me.
(are you staring at my package?)

I'm striving for the change that is begun in my life but is not yet realized. I want to find the true me, the centered Brian. The randomblink. All the aspects that make up ME. I have friends and family that claim to know me, when they describe me I feel lost... confused... part of me recognizes who they are describing, but most of me just fuzzes up.

I'm impatient. I found out last night for sure. No granted, I've been told it was a good night, but I feel like I emotionally vomitted on a new friend. I feel so lost at how to be a good friend. I understand that friendship is a give and take, but how do you recover from a massive "take" on your first meet? I don't want to take the time it takes to make those friendships that last forever, I get impatient, I want to speed things up and get to the good times... the laughing at nothing, the all-nighter-movies and popcorn on a living room floor... video games till your head starts hurting.

I miss Farel. He was my best buddy growing up. We shared everything... and I mean every-fucking-thing. We used to sit and draw for hours, read our comics, play role-playing games, re-enact scenes from Star Wars, share our dreams... I remember feeling closer to him than I had ever felt to anybody. He was like a piece of me. Then life got in the way and we drifted apart. And I miss that friendship.

However, I did the things that separated us. I made decisions that hurt him, insulted him, and drove him away as a friend. I was a prick... a selfish prick. I guess this is what it means to deal with my issues. Walking through this emotional wasteland is painful, it doesn't all have to deal with my wife, and it's scary.

Finding my strengths and weaknesses... cataloging them all... finding my core.
The true solid me.

I'm in a weird mood. I feel lost but not lonely. I realized that after last night, I am capable of interacting with people and making new connections (hopefully ones that last), but the ability to communicate with others doesn't seem quite as scary as it was... chuckle. Now granted, I feel like I emotionally just vomited all over her, but I got the impression that she was ok with it. She listened, and shared her own stories. Feeling a connection of any kind was very nice and reassuring. You get so tied up in one person, so enmeshed, for so long, and you start to feel socially retarded.

I mean making new friends WITHOUT my wife involved? New, Scary, Uncertain.
But I feel like I can do it now.

Granted, I don't want to let that much of myself go with someone I just met ever again. But some people give you that feeling of knowing them already? I felt that, for better or worse, safe and trusted. So I guess I can only cross my fingers and hope my emotional freak out doesn't bite me in the ass. But I don't think it will. Some people just feel like home... *shrugs*

Anyway, I'm sitting in an empty house, and oddly enough today... I don't feel lonely. I feel alone, but not without. I feel like I had therapy last night, in a way that I haven't had before. But they say that that is what socializing is all about. You share who you are on one level or another, you have someone else share themselves with you on one level or another. And in the end you have a tenuous relationship. From there you grow what you want, both of you. New people can enter in on that thread, but it always starts with two. The first thread being the one you create with your mother (usually) and everything else bases on that.

Rambling apparently, I'm not making sense of what I'm writing, but it's kinda freeflow, just releasing the voices in my head and heart. I've got some weird (weird because they are so calm) emotions right now. They are steady and strong, not like my normal spasms of emotional drives. So I'm hoping this is me processing, dealing with who I am... dealing who I am becoming... dealing with my life.

Tomorrow I am getting some things done that have been long overdue. I have had some desires and drives that I didn't know HOW to get started, I finally found the names last Friday. So I am crossing my fingers. Money and Time. Those are the areas I am focusing on.

Friday I take my grandmother to an ORU basketball game, that'll be really nice. She loves ORU basketball, and since my grandfather passed away the same week my divorce started, it's weird and peaceful to interact with my grandmother... lol. But taking her will be lots of fun.

I just made some deals to possibly get myself a new computer sometime this week. So I am hoping to have a better system so I can do more on my free time with my dream projects. I can start developing a few of my first apps for the iPhone without having a Mac. And if I can start generating some cash of them? I could afford the Mac to start developing iPhone apps full time. So, we shall see... having a system that loads up all the way would be better than nice. So that's exciting...

What else...?
I guess that's it.

Today is a good day tater... live it full and strong.
Don't let life get in your way.
That's all I got.