Silent Waves

I'm sitting at my desk, in a mostly empty building, the day after x-mas. And yes, I purposely remove the christ from christmas, but not because I'm an atheist. I do it because of the anger I feel at the whole xtian mythology.

I spent most of my life wading through dogma and doctrine, praying fervently, begging to hear the voice of god... and when I never did? Rather than realize that meant I was (mostly) sane? I felt let down...

As it turns out? I kept studying, I kept driving towards that mark, that knowledge, that connection. Turns out I was merely following the genetic drives that cause most people to be theists... Dualism and Teleology... If you need to know more? Read "The Selfish Gene" by Dawkins, he explains it all.

So my genetics drove me to search for a higher power that doesn't even exist.
That's kinda fucked up ain't it... when you REALLY think about it?

But it's ok. Because those same genetics make it possible to dream, think, connect, walk and talk... and feel... and be. I feel like I am drifting lately. I'm 37 years old and that bounces me between feeling old? And feeling young. Sometimes it's enough to make me crazy.

But it's these Silent waves that are dancing through me... music, trance, beats...

I got an iPhone recently, it was a life gift to myself. I say "life gift" because I wanted it, under the previous regime I couldn't afford it, and it fulfills some desires I've had for awhile. I'm now officially connected to the interwebz. Sad? Maybe... but I've been happy. The flip side to the coin is an aspect of owning this sucker that I never considered. iPod?!

I haven't gone more than 20 minutes sans music.
I have started to feel those drives I used to have.
To create... to make magic... to build and dream...

I was sitting at my desk today, surrounded by digital 'garbage' that is my 'job' and I realized...

1) I have this job SIMPLY so I could maintain the Health Insurance for my wife's condition.
2) I hate this job.

Sadly, I feel like Will Ferrel in "Step Brothers" in that I've had to grow up just enough that I can't just let this job go to pursue my dream. I'm instead planning out how to GET to my dream without losing the steady (and not bad) income that I have right now. It's kinda like peeling off a scab. It hurts like billy-oh coming off, but once it's gone it feels great.

So I'm slowly peeling off the 'scab' that is my current life to reveal the pinkish not yet healed skin underneath. Hopefully I don't get an infection!

lol.

Ah... But what are you gonna do?

Tomorrow is the weekend. I'm gonna get to hang out with a new friend (hopefully!) and she's an atheist! I do not know a single atheist locally. So to be able to commune with another infidel has me at some high points for sure. To KNOW that a conversation will not contain such phrases as "well I believe that" or "he answered MY prayers so he can answer yours" or "you should pray about that" just about makes me drunk with joy... lol.

All of my atheist friends live on the interwebz. Because prior to my joining the ranks of the heathens, I was a searching theist... therefore ALL OF MY FRIENDS were (and sadly are) theists to some degree or another.

Now I say I'm an atheist, but I have to freely admit I do have ONE belief. And it's in the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" because, I mean... If you're going to believe in a super-powerful individual for which there is not a single shred of observational evidence in reality for? The Flying Spaghetti Monster is just that much more fun.

I mean what other heaven has Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories?!

Just doesn't get better... except it does!
Pirates! You gotta dress like a pirate to respectfully preach his word.

And his word is pasta!

RAmen...
Well, on that note, I'm going back to my book and the last 18 minutes of this sad little lunch break alone... my office empty. I'm thinking about turning off the lights and sitting in the dark. More moody that way... and I could make scary ghost sounds too... hmmmmm

brb.