Striving for Mundanity : An echo of reason

Each day is a carbon copy of the one before.
I wake, clean, dress, eat, and go to work.
I work hard or hardly work, eat lunch, go home.
Every other day (generally) I exercise.
I shower, eat, and go to sleep.

Wherein lies the mysteries of the universe?

Wherein lies my answers, my questions, my heart and my mind?

The memes go marching two-by-two, my core is built and solidified.
My past cycles my future through a filter I call the present.
Each moment captures the one before and predetermines the next.

But I am randomblink.
I don't "believe" in things.
I know... I dream... I imagine...

I am an atheist, a philosopher, a hack, an artist, a writer, a god and a demon.

I'm sitting here on a day just like anyother.
I woke, but I didn't shower.
I ate, but I didn't brush my teeth.
I dressed, but I didn't care.

It's the Anniversary of a Marriage that I "believed" was the one to last forever.
It's the Winters Solstice, the longest night of the year, the death cry of Winter.
It's a few days from the christian holiday called christmas.
It's a few days from the divorce finalization for me and my wife.
It's just another day.

I'm almost leaning towards feeling bad that I'm not overcome with sadness today.
But I've received the closure I never thought I would...
I received the most painful, most needed, slap in my face.

You never know another person...
At best you know some of their actions, their words, their presence...
You share who you are, feel like you have shared in who they are, but truth is relative when it's seen from the inside.

I'm on my own, have been for awhile, I just didn't know it.
And now that I do? I guess I'm gonna try this day-to-day stuff.

I've started making plans... Started house shopping... Been approved for a house loan even. I've started looking at my finances, debts, credit, etc. I've begun to care about the look I present, the person I am, so many things that died in the loveless marriage I find myself ending.

I was sad when I thought about these things just a week ago...
Now? I'm nothing? Just am. No happiness, no sadness, and that's a bonus...

I'll take the effort of surviving and assign it "No Emotion" status for sure. I tend to lose control of my emotions sometimes, at least I have a history of it for sure. I tend to ride the rollercoaster rather than clamp down on the brakes. Finding my brakes are missing and the wheels are frozen, doesn't seem to bother me much...

I'm listening to Enya right now.
My favorite song of hers is "Caribbean Blue" and I started my day listening to that.

I'm not going to let today ruin me... and I've certainly no power to ruin it...
So it's an uneasy truce... but the tribal meme inside of me demands a ritual, and next year Winter's Solstice will have one... maybe even complete with tattoo...

Who knows?
For today, I'm happy to go see a dollar movie "Quarantine" and relax with a book. I've got some paperwork to assemble and get ready for porting to my iPhone, and that's about that!

I'm starting to feel semi-normal again.
I'm ready to worry about more important things than someone who doesn't care about me. I'm letting go of someone who didn't understand me and didn't want to. I'm letting go of emotions that were created for someone who chose not to be worth them. Someone who chose to create their own truth despite the reality of the situations...

And that's their loss... not mine.
I did the best I knew... I gave the most I could... I ran the hardest I could...
it just wasn't enough for them...

And that's ok.
I still love her...

To next year...
The Beginning and the end...