Day 5 : Land is in sight

I'm on day 5 of this new and beautiful year. I'm sitting here at 6:44am eating steak and salad for breakfast. It's kinda weird tho, cause I'm eating a 4oz steak. I used to think of this size as the kiddie meal. However, I ate the salad first (and it was small, half a bowl even) and I was almost too full for this about 4oz steak.

I'm wearing clothes that would have looked ridiculous on me a year ago because they would have been stretched thin. Now they are actually baggy on me.

I'm feeling better about myself today than I have in months, if not years.

I still get these overwhelming feelings of fear tho?
I know I'm just 2 weeks shy of a divorce, that did kind of kick my foundations around. But I have been married before, and the divorce crushed me.... for about 2 months.

oh.

LOL!
This is why I journal... why I blog. It's only been a month for this divorce, duh. wow. I'm kinda surprised how clueless I can be on certain subjects sometimes. But there ya go.

Well, then I guess I'm doing wonderful considering. I'm feeling more healthy than ever. I'm feeling more alive than ever. Hell, Saturday I was walking on air for most of the day. Granted, I collapsed into a quivering sobbing wreck around evening time, but that was because I had to say no to myself. I think for the first time.

I had to say no about something I REALLY, REALLY wanted... I mean REALLY, REALLY wanted.

See, I've been house shopping. And for those who know me better, you will know I've been living with one of my younger brothers and his wife. Well, I have days/moments/hours/whatever where I get emotional. (I'm dealing with a divorce, deal with it) Well, I want to cry and rail at the universe, but I am surrounded by family... within hearing distance... so this means I can't always "let go" like I need to.

SO... I've been house shopping because an Apartment seems like a money trap. You never get anywhere with it. You just keep giving them money, you never get to fix up the place (like paint the walls or decorate crazy), and it just doesn't appeal.

Well, I found a house. 3 bedroom, central heat and air, all appliances, nice neighborhood, the works. They wanted about $20k more than the house was worth (and I know the value, I work for City Govt... I looked it up) and I was ok with it all. The pro's outweighed the cons. Well, my family wanted to have a look at this house I was showing interest in. So I thought it would be great.

They could look it over, tell me what they thought. I could factor that in with how much I would offer, etc.

They were apparently certain that I was going to move in. So they were not discouraging at all. They merely pointed out common sense articles. By the time our showing was over? I would be a fool to want that house. The foundation is obviously bunged up, the windows need replacing, the house is cockeyed so who knows what else is screwed up... just too much.

So I couldn't intelligently say "Yeah, let's get this house" and admit to myself I was being a logical human being.

So I had to say "No."

I've never done this apparently, because it thoroughly wrecked me.

I know that I have some seriously immature emotional expectations about life. I've learned this while working through my divorce. But I am kinda floored by how much maturing I need. Which is a big part of the reason I made the New Years resolutions I did.

I don't know how to fill my hours in. Between morning and evening, I feel lost. BUT, the computer I am writing this blog on is my first step to winning back my independence from a failed marriage... a failed life. I am going to begin to find my path, and yes... it starts with a digital focus. Why? Because this is what I know best. I know computers... I know the internet... I can start here and see where I need to go.

Well, I'm about 3/4 of the way done with my steak. I'm almost full. It's crazy. For those who don't know me, I have always been a big boy. 6'4", averaging around 250lbs, most of it NOT muscle... I haven't been mistaken for a "hard-case" too often. But I'm getting there... I just bought new jeans recently and they are already a little loose. It's kind of cool. Kinda weird too.

Well, It's 7:00am, I'm gonna get to some house shopping. My realtor has a webpage she built just for me. I can view all the houses that fit my criteria on it. Pick some out to go look at.

I wish you all the best of luck.
I love you most.
Thanks for reading.