Role Models

I feel so good.

I am obviously bouncing back and forth. But I gotta tell you, I feel good. I made some decisions FOR ME tonight. I've been mulling them over for a couple weeks, and I figured out what I want... finally. You wouldn't think that would be a big deal, but you're dealing with a guy who has thrown himself away to be something/someone for others.

I stopped listening to what I wanted... stopped caring for me... and it's hell to get back on schedule. I finally realized I am not going to be happy till I move to Cali. It might take me a couple years to get there, since I have some college to go through and a good job to get... But I know now that that is what I want. California... sun... ocean... beach. I want to end my days living in the little town where I shifted into adulthood... Morro Bay.

I want just the place even, which is weird. I don't want the people I used to know. I want to be enjoy that beach... the Morro Rock... the Hearst Castle (that I never visited despite living there for almost 5 years)... the memories and the future...

But I know what I want today too.
I'm going to see if I can't see an apartment I called about today. They said they had a basement apartment, around $500, I think they said all utilities paid... It would be open on the 22nd of this month but she could hold it for a deposit. I can envision my own pad. And it's not just a "I want to be away from being taken care of by family." It's a "I want to begin living."

I feel good.
I am cleaning up the layout of this new computer.
I'm going to get it set up with all the software I want, then I'm ghosting it.

I'm excited.
I'm happy.
I'm also sad, and happy that I'm sad.

I feel like I am starting to feel those feelings I needed to feel.
Of course, I had caffeine for the first time in a week or so at the movie I just saw.

I'm so tired of being the whiny bitch...
I'm so tired of not knowing how to be me...
I feel like I am finally on track.

(crosses fingers)

So, here I go.