Sunday Night Fear

So I'm sitting here... had a whole day of movies...
Three movies today.

I also did my laundry and got some grocery shopping done.
I also feel intense sensation of fear of being alone.

It's weird to be 37 and terrified to live alone.
Oh if I stop, focus on what it's going to be like to live alone...
I can find peace and even reclaimed excitement to get there.
But my instinctual reaction is just fear.

I'm so tired of it.
I'm so scared of it.

I'm preparing for it...

My life has been one girl after another, never alone, never solo... never healthy.
I gave up friends, life, even joy... for what I misunderstood as love.

Having someone THERE in my world? It was all that mattered. I never cared to find me, I was always happy to be whoever my significant other needed... never lived, never truly loved... I mean, how can you love if you don't know who you are? If you don't know what you want? If you aren't happy inside your own skin???

I remember weighing 185lbs. Right out of Marine Corps Boot Camp. I was a little wall of muscle... BUT... I felt fat. I thought I was horribly, grossly overweight. When I got married in 2001... I was mildly overweight... and towards the end of that marriage, I was grossly overweight. 285lbs. For a 6'2" guy... it doesn't look GROSSLY, but trust me... it was.

So I'm walking 4 miles a day, 3 days a week now. Been doing it since the divorce. I'm down to 254lbs now. AND I feel better in my skin than I ever have. I "feel" like I look good... I feel like I am in touch with who I am... I feel like this fear of being alone will be passing away soon... But until it does? I am a wreck inside.

I hate it... I fear it... I welcome it...
I'm one of those guys that revels in uncomfortable moments. Those scenes in the movies where the most horrible moment you can imagine happens and the characters have to do this awkward social dance that neither know the steps for? I love those scenes... both in movies, and in real life. Why? Because I usually come through those scenes in real life with flying colors... It's the greatest test of being able to center in a moment of confusion, and raw bullshitting skills. I am TRYING to make this fear into one of those moments. Trying to walk through this fire without singeing off my eyebrows.

Rough time so far... but I'm still alive, so there's always half-time.
(and that's one of those SUPER rare sports references you'll get out of me)

It's all good... I'm SO ready to start working on my art, my writing, get my reading list caught up, get some personal projects out of the way... live life.

My world is high speed internet in a wifi hotspot that will smoke your routers... and it's here and now, amidst the 1's and 0's that I am finding the real me. I'm just praying to the digital gods that I don't lose the signal...

Sleep well... I know I do.