Love, Death and the spaces between

Well, things are shifting in my world for sure.

I've been in the dating world for about 6 months and I'm coming to the conclusion that nothing fits. Nothing except what I lost. My ex and I had the best and the worst fit. We each generated this area of light that repelled and attracted the other, and when we came together, it was at once both terrible and wonderful. Like a firestorm of pain and heartache, love and rapture. But I can't imagine anything else ever being worth it.

I've been self-diagnosed as a recovering love-addict. Intense emotions are the only vice I need. But I've drifted so far away from that living experience now that I wonder if I'm still the same? I've done some things recently that could be categorized as seeking out intense emotions... but it was more of an attempt to fit into a situation. To find something that would take my ex from my soul... to scrub her out and give me a new shot at life and love. And the time I've had to myself has been the most peaceful, balanced time of my life so far.

I've never stopped missing my ex tho... Not just because she was cool. I mean she was hyper-cool, superheroine cool, japanese-punk-goth-band cool... but because of the beauty she shared with me. Those moments inbetween us. Those shared slices of time that conveyed years of love and adoration.

Don't get me wrong, when it went bad... or just was dead-in-the-water? It was suicidal-wrong. I've had friends who recently found out about my divorce and were like "but you guys always seemed so happy?" To which I replied, "we were good at hiding the bad."

And we were.

The bad came from a couple angles in our life. I would cycle through this emotional trauma center of being this uber-caregiver. I would take care of her on bad days, discuss and harangue doctors and pharmacists and insurance agents to make sure she was being taken care of... I would hover over her, put everything that was me on hold for her, and even cancelled my future for her... most of it without her ever asking me to.

Oh she had areas that were broken as well... those shards of her that cut me deeply were just as loved as the ones that cared as deeply.

I think I know why I can't date properly.

I haven't stopped loving her...
I haven't stopped needing her...
I just haven't stopped.

I don't even want to...

But I tried.

This isn't worth it without her. It never was.

As a people I believe we seek to master two things in our time on this planet. Everything else is just a blend or a subtle slice of each.

Love and Death.

I see what Love is for me... It's my precious Skye... Lex... Leslie...
I know now that love will never be anything for me without her...
I name myself a Master of Love now... or have I named Love my Master?
Either way... Love is done for me without her.
I give... I quit...

Now the only thing left to master... is death and the myriad of spaces between us.

Daily Incantations

I've been kinda outta pocket these last couple weeks.

I've started dating my ex, which is weird enough... and more than fun. I've started doing art for art's sake, which is nirvanna... I've started studying online tutorials at Lynda.com in order to get back up to speed with Actionscript programming in Adobe's Flex, which is hard work right now...

I've taken on a whole lot... on top of all of this, I walk three days a week, 1 hour a day, 4.5 miles per hour. My eating habits have fluctuated lately, what with eating more meals with Skye, and the guys at work are bringing sweets in to work... I've been able to manage my weight lately without any help. However, I think it's almost time to head back and pick up at Livestrong.com for some help.

I was doing ok, but then I started being presented with options... something I could manage when I was the only one in my life... However, no man is an island, and eventually I have started to hang out and be one with the herd. This means more interaction with foods that I wouldn't normally allow myself to be tempted with.

It all boils down to...
I was 287lbs in December.
I have brought myself down to 242lbs as of two weeks ago.
As of yesterday?
I was at 249lbs.

SO... I am stepping back on track with taking my eating habits seriously. I am locking down the relaxed stance towards junk food. And I think that will take care of the problem... not that it's really a problem... it's just annoying, cause I was doing so well.

Truth be told? I've bounced a couple times before, but never this close to my goals. So it's pissing me off... I figure that managing my weight is something I will always need to do. I'm just trying to lock down my eating habits now to something I can live with forever. Because yo-yo-ing with your weight is bad for you.

Anyway...

Dating. I've been out there, mingling a little with the crowd, and it's been good and bad. I've met some women I wouldn't mind adding to my friends list, but nothing really seriously worth paying attention to. It could be because of my approach? It could be because of incompatibility. *shrugs*

I've been spending more time lately with my ex. We danced back and forth a few times the last month or so and finally had a sit down.

See, the largest reason we divorced was because I wouldn't get a life.

I would come home, and begin my day of caring for her. I could always find a reason to not go hang with friends, to not invite friends over, etc. There was always something to clean up or fetch, and thus... that's what I did. Which meant I was unhappy. I never progressed in the things I enjoy, I never tried new things, because there was always a reason to be busy.

My ex tried to tell me this, and I always felt that it was the husbands job to do what was needed. I never focused on the thought that if I didn't have a life, I wasn't bringing anything interesting to the relationship. I was just the hired help.

Well, I've gotten a life... a couple actually. Those things I always ALMSOT did when I was married? I am dancing in now. I've lost almost 50lbs. I exercise 3 days a week, and that number will be rising soon (once I hit my target weight). I'm 'doing' things now...

Which clears up most of the problems we had in our marriage.
So where do we go from here?
Well, therein lies the problem. I'm clueless when it comes to relationships. Oh, I know all the right things to SAY to someone where I am... but I can't seem to believe those things. I'm a RUSH INTO EVERYTHING kinda guy. Which is why we ended up where we did just last year.

So pulling on the reigns in ANY relationship is foreign for me. But I'm learning it...

It's a weird little dance to say the least...
It's really nice to have her around me tho...
Especially since I'm into so many cool things now...

I like getting to share with her things that I only used to talk about.
I'm doing them now tho...

SO...
Life hasn't slowed down, it's still exciting (sigh), and still moving forward full steam ahead.

I've started and completed some paintings...
I've started some 3D artwork (sculpting), but they got bogged down in personal stuff and still need to be revisited. I will be doing some sketching tonight, after the bar. I'm not a drinker so I won't be sloshed, but I do plan on having my first-ever 'Green Beer' tonight. So that'll be nice. I'm all dressed up as a Leprechaun at work today, meeting Skye tonight after work to head to the bar and freak out our friends who don't know that we are dating yet... we might just have to hold hands or kiss or something to freak them completely out... chuckle.

Either way... tonight is a busy night. Tomorrow I walk and hopefully study online some more... Maybe get back to my sculpting project... Whatever it is? I am sure that I will do it because I want to... That's why I am doing anything nowadays...

Cause I want to...