Day 5 : Land is in sight

I'm on day 5 of this new and beautiful year. I'm sitting here at 6:44am eating steak and salad for breakfast. It's kinda weird tho, cause I'm eating a 4oz steak. I used to think of this size as the kiddie meal. However, I ate the salad first (and it was small, half a bowl even) and I was almost too full for this about 4oz steak.

I'm wearing clothes that would have looked ridiculous on me a year ago because they would have been stretched thin. Now they are actually baggy on me.

I'm feeling better about myself today than I have in months, if not years.

I still get these overwhelming feelings of fear tho?
I know I'm just 2 weeks shy of a divorce, that did kind of kick my foundations around. But I have been married before, and the divorce crushed me.... for about 2 months.

oh.

LOL!
This is why I journal... why I blog. It's only been a month for this divorce, duh. wow. I'm kinda surprised how clueless I can be on certain subjects sometimes. But there ya go.

Well, then I guess I'm doing wonderful considering. I'm feeling more healthy than ever. I'm feeling more alive than ever. Hell, Saturday I was walking on air for most of the day. Granted, I collapsed into a quivering sobbing wreck around evening time, but that was because I had to say no to myself. I think for the first time.

I had to say no about something I REALLY, REALLY wanted... I mean REALLY, REALLY wanted.

See, I've been house shopping. And for those who know me better, you will know I've been living with one of my younger brothers and his wife. Well, I have days/moments/hours/whatever where I get emotional. (I'm dealing with a divorce, deal with it) Well, I want to cry and rail at the universe, but I am surrounded by family... within hearing distance... so this means I can't always "let go" like I need to.

SO... I've been house shopping because an Apartment seems like a money trap. You never get anywhere with it. You just keep giving them money, you never get to fix up the place (like paint the walls or decorate crazy), and it just doesn't appeal.

Well, I found a house. 3 bedroom, central heat and air, all appliances, nice neighborhood, the works. They wanted about $20k more than the house was worth (and I know the value, I work for City Govt... I looked it up) and I was ok with it all. The pro's outweighed the cons. Well, my family wanted to have a look at this house I was showing interest in. So I thought it would be great.

They could look it over, tell me what they thought. I could factor that in with how much I would offer, etc.

They were apparently certain that I was going to move in. So they were not discouraging at all. They merely pointed out common sense articles. By the time our showing was over? I would be a fool to want that house. The foundation is obviously bunged up, the windows need replacing, the house is cockeyed so who knows what else is screwed up... just too much.

So I couldn't intelligently say "Yeah, let's get this house" and admit to myself I was being a logical human being.

So I had to say "No."

I've never done this apparently, because it thoroughly wrecked me.

I know that I have some seriously immature emotional expectations about life. I've learned this while working through my divorce. But I am kinda floored by how much maturing I need. Which is a big part of the reason I made the New Years resolutions I did.

I don't know how to fill my hours in. Between morning and evening, I feel lost. BUT, the computer I am writing this blog on is my first step to winning back my independence from a failed marriage... a failed life. I am going to begin to find my path, and yes... it starts with a digital focus. Why? Because this is what I know best. I know computers... I know the internet... I can start here and see where I need to go.

Well, I'm about 3/4 of the way done with my steak. I'm almost full. It's crazy. For those who don't know me, I have always been a big boy. 6'4", averaging around 250lbs, most of it NOT muscle... I haven't been mistaken for a "hard-case" too often. But I'm getting there... I just bought new jeans recently and they are already a little loose. It's kind of cool. Kinda weird too.

Well, It's 7:00am, I'm gonna get to some house shopping. My realtor has a webpage she built just for me. I can view all the houses that fit my criteria on it. Pick some out to go look at.

I wish you all the best of luck.
I love you most.
Thanks for reading.

Epiphanies

So I've had my iPhone for about 2 weeks now. I've been checking out a VAST ARRAY of iPhone Apps. Looking for concepts and ideas that make an App Great. I just sat down on my lunch break to breeze through some of the blogs that I follow (you should check them out on my profile... some are awesome) and I stumbled across reading my own blog. The last one in fact, about resolutions.

I thought of the things I want to "create" and it hit me.

I saw the perfect way to lay out a new app. A project I've been working on (kinda) for the last couple years, but I always seemed to find a marital reason to make it die or go away. My poor client was so patient, he never actually gave up, but I told him I would be temporarily inconvenienced and unavailable for working on his project until I got my life sorted out.

Well, I just saw his project as an iPhone app.
I think I could put together all aspects of this quite nicely...
I'm all of a sudden WAY too excited (chuckle). SO, that's one more reason to be happy this 2nd day of my new year.

I had a perfect New Years Day, I spent some time with (of all people) my ex-wife. We hashed out some serious issues we have had and I feel that much closer to figuring out where we are now. I feel freedom from being responsible for her (obviously), and I don't possess her (in that way I felt as a husband), and we were able to be friends. Nicely. We watched a movie and chatted and all in all... I'm happy.

That's all that matters isn't it...?
Well, I think so.

All of my problems didn't solve themselves tho. I think I've figured out which house I want to buy, however, my Real Estate Agent just showed me one in Sand Springs that's bigger, has more bedrooms, one more car garage and is almost $20k cheaper?! I don't know what to do about that. Cause I REALLY don't wanna live in Sand Springs, but that's quite a deal.

No, who am I kidding. Security, Comfort and Cost. Those are what you look for in a home. I don't trust Sand Springs, I wouldn't be comfortable there, altho the Cost is insane. Especially for the pictures that are listed.

So, it looks like I'll start making those grown up and adult movements towards the house that has my fancy. I have to talk the owners down almost $5k AND get them to cough up 6% of the closing costs. OR I would go down $2k also with 6% closing costs and that would be just as well. Either way, that makes the house payments in a range I am happy with.

But if I get this? We are talking a 3 bedroom house. 1 car garage. Central heating and air. All appliances. Shed in the backyard. Red bricked patio. It's very nice. Granted, I would have to enlarge the bathroom into one of the other bedrooms for the bath of my dreams, and merge two of the bedrooms into a single wonderfully sized Master Bedroom that would be larger than the living room. Hell, I'm considering making it a studio apartment. Blow out both bedrooms into one huge room.

Who knows. Still taking it all in.
Trying to find out who I am.
What I want.
How I get it.

I saw most of "The Secret" last night with my ex. It's a documentary on a meta-physical concept for Positive Thinking. It was neat how alot of their concepts were a part of who I am already and I have accounted to those aspects much of why I am where I am now. But it gave me a desire to try to expand what I accomplish and gain 10-fold. I've lived with a fairly meager expectance out of life.

I'm adding on to my resolutions a little I think.

I want to make $10 million dollars.
A year.

Not to be rich, but so I don't ever have to worry about money again.
So if you've seen the secret, you know what I am doing to get there.

I don't really have a dream car.
I don't really have a dream house.
I want to live near the ocean.
I want to draw and paint and make music of some kind...
I would be interested in sculpting...
I would absolutely love to write (and be published).
I want to be in shape and healthy.
Other than that, my life's goals are formed and discarded on a daily basis.

Where will I be in one years time?
I'm looking forward to finding out.

It's 12:30pm at work.
I'm making goals, planning, reinventing who I am.
I don't even want to stop.

Who will I be tomorrow?

New Years

Well, I started 2008 out married to someone I thought would be with me forever.
I ended 2008 single.

You win some, you lose some.

So what now?
Well, tonight... it's 10:00pm (roughly) and I'm heading to bed. This year is done. I am SO glad I can get it behind me. 2009 is when I start on me... 100%, no cutting corners.

Resolutions

1. Single for a year.
   
   I do not plan on pursuing any relationship that generally ends up in bed. If you are in my life, you are a friend, and that's all I am hoping for this year. I realized I haven't spent a year by myself in too long. So this is it for me. I want friends, lots of them... but nothing serious... not this year.
   


2. Eat right. Exercise.
   
   I've already started this, but I'm enforcing it now. No cheats, no cookies, candies, etc. (on a regular basis) I'm not gonna go full-retarded and say I will eat nor drink no sugar... What I'm saying is, I'm avoiding it on anything but a rare basis. Granted, it'll be easier when I live alone. But I don't wanna be one of those computer guys that struggles to stand up. Hell, I'm not even sure I wanna be one of those computer guys anymore. I have alot I want to explore... we shall see...
   


3. Roof.
   
   I am focused on putting myself into a Bat Cave.
   
   I've always wanted my own space to furnish and decorate as I saw fit. This is my chance. I've already been approved for a home loan. I've already found a house that I think I'm gonna start working on (making offers, etc.), the only thing left is to get another couple hundred bucks in my bank account for those things I need like a bed, towels, plates, etc. I'm almost there.
   


4. School.
   
   I have three years to get to a Bachelors. I have roughly 26 hours completed. That's only 3 times that left (give or take a few). I am going to make this my largest and strongest goal. School. I want a degree. I had thought at one point my 15+ years computer experience would be enough? It never has been. So if they freaking need a degree? I'll get a damn degree... sigh. I think it's ridiculous tho.
   


5. Create.
   
   I've had so many things inside me that need out? It's ridiculous. I've got drawing, painting, music, and creating just DYING to get out. This is my year to unlock the doors in front of my imagination.
   


6. Share.
   
   I've got a volunteer packet in the mail already. I'm going to be volunteering at the childrens hospital as soon as I get approved. I love kids. I've worked with kids. I would love to be someone who might be able to help in some way with kids. I don't ever want to have kids tho. I'm happy for my children to be memetic versus genetic offspring.
   


7. Book.
   
   I've got a book concept. I want it to be outlined by years end. I still have alot of research before I start anything beyond mere drafting writing. But I think it's not impossible to expect a decent outline for the book. This book is my lifes work, my goal. I believe it will help many people... now I just have to write it.
   


8. Me.
   
   Seems redundant. To put ME on my list of new years resolutions. But it's important. I've lived for so long without feeling like I deserved to be allowed to think about being me. I apologize for more things than I do wrong... I don't feel like I deserve the basic treatments the average person expects... I'm tired of that. It comes from some seriously messed up deep-seated psychological issues. Most of which became painfully clear in this last marriage. I want to heal me, allow myself to be me, and have it all be worth it.
   Nuff said.
   

This is the last time I will ever use this computer. I'm going to be taking it apart to use some of the pieces in my new computer. I'm cannibalizing this bitch for a better deck. I'm going to start some development and studies on web applications teamed up with iPhone development as well. I've got alot to study, but I think I am ready. I know I feel ready.

2009, here I come... granted, I'll be sleeping through your awakening moments. But I'm sure you'll forgive me... because I said so! I'm making you my bitch 2009, I hope you are ready.

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease my friends.