A week of decisions

Well, here I am. 8 days into the new year. I'm doing alright, feeling good actually, and quite happy. However, now that I am starting to balance out? I'm finding a distinct and powerful desire to be on my own.

You see, I have been living with family ever since the divorce started. I still am.

Don't get me wrong, they are fantastically wonderful. I am not in any way being mistreated or anything like that. I am just... ready to be single and alone.

Weird. It's odd to see me want to be alone. I've been a paired up kinda guy for years. I can't even remember the last time I was single... I'm ready to do this thing, and enjoy doing it. However, I am also house-shopping. So, I don't want to get stuck in a 12 month lease? So I am NOT sure what I want to do.

There are some small apartments close to my job that would be perfect I think. It would allow me to have my own space, get started in the purchase path towards single nirvana. I don't even have a television... lol. Not that I plan on getting one right away... my computer is all I need for now. So, I don't know what is in store for me immediately.

I'm gonna do some apartment shopping today, I have house shopping with my Real Estate agent and my ex-wife offered to come along and help. And other than that, there really isn't anything else I can "get on top of" for my future? Other than starting back into my computer projects? So...

I am meeting with a new friend for a game of chess this Saturday too, still trying to figure out whether I would like to play in the evening or morning? I honestly can't decide yet, but I am sure if I don't pick something I might lose the game time all together...

I have a facebook friend who is going to start meeting me to workout with me. Which consists of walking... that's right... just walking. But that's ok. I'm just being careful with my health. I am strictly walking right now because of my weight and age. I'm not an old man (yet) but I don't want to get to my old age and have banged up joints. So I am walking until I get under 220lbs, then I can start running and lifting weights.

Course I am losing (on average) about 3 pounds per week right now, which is cool because that's the goal I set myself on Live Strong dot com. So it should merely be a matter of months till I make it to my 220lbs mark and can start feeling even better.

Granted, I can't eat like I have this week either. My cousins came in from Ireland and I have been out twice with them and had HUGE mexican meals that have slammed my calories to hell and back. But oddly enough, I lost two pounds this week? So, I'm not all that worried. I eat carefully portioned meals on average, stick with healthy foods, nothing fast, cook with healthy spices and oils, and I'm generally taking care of myself... for what seems to be the first time in my life.

I'm getting there... getting my own space is going to be a HUGE step forward for me and I am starting to get excited about it. We shall see...

I am grateful for those things that have fallen into my world and life...
I am happy and content on some weird levels...
I am struggling with this need for companionship...

My life is here... not soon.

9" Nails

I'm getting ready for bed at 8:47pm. I'm trying to offset a 4:00am bedtime last night. If I get to bed now, I can get 8 hours of sleep in time for tomorrow. And that's what I'm shooting for. I have a week to look forward to.

This week I am making my rebirth event.
I'm turning Thursday into a day I will celebrate, and NOT because my brother was born on that day either... sorry Jesse.

Thursday is a new year.
My divorce may not be finalized by that day via the courts? But it's finished as far as my mind and body recognize it, so I am making Thursday my day. I'm recognizing the importance of reinventing myself, I'm grabbing ahold of what I want and making it real this year. Hell, by Thursday, I will have moved even further towards my new home, I might have my new computer and have re-started several key projects, and more.

It's time.

Meanwhile, I was stumbling around in some of my old posts, and I ran across this post on Richard Dawkins forum... from someone whom I admire for their wit.

Click Here To Get To Original Post

---

Look... you believe that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who is his own father, can make you live forever if you submit to a magical soul-douching ceremony (complete with magical water, incantations and waving of hands), symbolically eat his flesh (in the form of a cracker) and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was tricked by a malevolent entity (disguised a talking snake... with legs) into eating a piece of magical fruit from an enchanted tree... (etc.)... and that there is something horribly wrong with people who ARE NOT so stupid and gullible that they can be made to believe such outrageously ridiculous codswallop.

Ahhhhh... I love it when people sum up some things so beautifully.
Thank you DuckPhup...

Well, it's 9:20pm. My day was nice and relaxing. I feel so much better than I have in years. I'm starting to get used to these swings too. I will feel completely depressed for awhile, then I start to rediscover things I enjoy, then I start to have hope. Well, I'm at the hope phase right now and I will enjoy it. If I start to swing down, at least I can recognize it and it doesn't take control of me. It helps me to focus on what is wrong, and present solutions to fix it.

I'm shutting my soon-to-be-replaced system down... turning up the volume on my tunage... climbing under the covers... and finding nirvanna...

Tomorrow is a full day...
May yours be better than you ever thought it could be.

Striving for Mundanity : An echo of reason

Each day is a carbon copy of the one before.
I wake, clean, dress, eat, and go to work.
I work hard or hardly work, eat lunch, go home.
Every other day (generally) I exercise.
I shower, eat, and go to sleep.

Wherein lies the mysteries of the universe?

Wherein lies my answers, my questions, my heart and my mind?

The memes go marching two-by-two, my core is built and solidified.
My past cycles my future through a filter I call the present.
Each moment captures the one before and predetermines the next.

But I am randomblink.
I don't "believe" in things.
I know... I dream... I imagine...

I am an atheist, a philosopher, a hack, an artist, a writer, a god and a demon.

I'm sitting here on a day just like anyother.
I woke, but I didn't shower.
I ate, but I didn't brush my teeth.
I dressed, but I didn't care.

It's the Anniversary of a Marriage that I "believed" was the one to last forever.
It's the Winters Solstice, the longest night of the year, the death cry of Winter.
It's a few days from the christian holiday called christmas.
It's a few days from the divorce finalization for me and my wife.
It's just another day.

I'm almost leaning towards feeling bad that I'm not overcome with sadness today.
But I've received the closure I never thought I would...
I received the most painful, most needed, slap in my face.

You never know another person...
At best you know some of their actions, their words, their presence...
You share who you are, feel like you have shared in who they are, but truth is relative when it's seen from the inside.

I'm on my own, have been for awhile, I just didn't know it.
And now that I do? I guess I'm gonna try this day-to-day stuff.

I've started making plans... Started house shopping... Been approved for a house loan even. I've started looking at my finances, debts, credit, etc. I've begun to care about the look I present, the person I am, so many things that died in the loveless marriage I find myself ending.

I was sad when I thought about these things just a week ago...
Now? I'm nothing? Just am. No happiness, no sadness, and that's a bonus...

I'll take the effort of surviving and assign it "No Emotion" status for sure. I tend to lose control of my emotions sometimes, at least I have a history of it for sure. I tend to ride the rollercoaster rather than clamp down on the brakes. Finding my brakes are missing and the wheels are frozen, doesn't seem to bother me much...

I'm listening to Enya right now.
My favorite song of hers is "Caribbean Blue" and I started my day listening to that.

I'm not going to let today ruin me... and I've certainly no power to ruin it...
So it's an uneasy truce... but the tribal meme inside of me demands a ritual, and next year Winter's Solstice will have one... maybe even complete with tattoo...

Who knows?
For today, I'm happy to go see a dollar movie "Quarantine" and relax with a book. I've got some paperwork to assemble and get ready for porting to my iPhone, and that's about that!

I'm starting to feel semi-normal again.
I'm ready to worry about more important things than someone who doesn't care about me. I'm letting go of someone who didn't understand me and didn't want to. I'm letting go of emotions that were created for someone who chose not to be worth them. Someone who chose to create their own truth despite the reality of the situations...

And that's their loss... not mine.
I did the best I knew... I gave the most I could... I ran the hardest I could...
it just wasn't enough for them...

And that's ok.
I still love her...

To next year...
The Beginning and the end...

The Zombie Perspective

So it's been a couple days.
I've had time to ponder over the events of the last few days of my life, last few months, and even (lo and behold) the last few years...

I have said, and now believe, that I have been given another chance to do my life right. I fought this divorce so hard. It's against who I am to allow a relationship to die without fighting for it. But it takes two to make it a fight... so here I am...

I felt like a failure when this thing fell over. But a very good (and completely imaginary) friend of mine said, that once you know the truth of the matter... why someone does something (or in my case did something) you can understand their motives, you know WHY they would make decisions that you weren't compelled to make, which allows you to forgive real (or even perceived) wrong doings on their part.

I understand...
I get it...
Finally...

Now I have to fight the apathy towards them. It's no longer a hatred, or anger, or fierce emotions... it's the uncaring sensation that says they made themselves obsolete in my circle of friends. But should I fight it? Should I try to be friends with someone who... it doesn't matter. It will all work itself out.

I am free...
So weird, so odd... these wings of freedom are finally mine... luckily, because I trusted they would come and so I jumped off the precipice before I ever received them. Now they can protect me from the looming ground of death, and the merciless pull of the gravity of time and emotion. I'm free to be me. And all the wonder and oddness that entails.

I'm really ready to start writing about memetics and memes again tho, to tell you the truth. I'm tired of being wrapped up in this little pain ball called divorce. Ready to be free, single, mine...

Who knows what tomorrow brings?
No one...
But I know that 7:45pm tonight holds a Zombie flick called Quarantine for ME!

FUCK YOU LIFE

I've got your fucking number.
You don't do to someone what you did to me.

I've had enough.
I'm in fucking charge right now.
I don't have anything witty, or sarcastically brilliant, to throw in your face...
But I've got your fucking number.

No more...
No more...

Life... you are my bitch and you shall do as I say...

Goodness I am so fucking pissed...
I need an outlet, a release, a focal point...
At least I can stop hoping for my wife to take me back... LOL!
Fucking A...

What a fucking suck-ass month.
This is officially the worst fucking month of my life. And I've had some seriously shitty months in the 37 years I've lived so far... But this one takes the cake. Completely takes the fucking cake...

I'll be a happy camper once I get this shit out of my system...

To Reconcile Or Not To Reconcile

Well, it looks like that question is a moot one.
My wife, does not want to reconcile. It was a moment of weakness.
And she's seeing someone to boot...

???

I feel like I was emotionally mugged?!

If you knew that your husband loved you...
He recognized the things in the marriage he had done that had pushed you away...
He was actively working on fixing them...
He would take you back despite the things you had done to him...
You were the one who demanded the divorce...
Why... for the love of pete... why would you discuss reconciliation when you:
1) Were already seeing someone
2) Knew you couldn't let go of the things that had made you decide to let him go...

???

I feel like I have been emotionally mugged...

But it's all good...
I definitely am safe from it ever again.
You only open your heart to that kind of pain every so often.
Once you've had your heart slashed decently enough... you stop opening it.

SO...
Here I am... no different than a couple days ago, and completely different.

Fucking A, life sucks sometimes...

Daily Grind

So it's Tuesday night.
I got halfway through the movie The Matrix.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife returned my call half-way through and now I am not in the mood to finish it. Argh.

How am I supposed to feel when my s.t.b.e.w. (see above) calls and has to end the call because she is starting to get sad and feels like she's going to cry? Especially when she is the one who wants the divorce in the first place?! I don't even have a clue how to feel.

I'm so ready to get back to life.
I feel like my life is on hold STILL... however, to be honest. I do feel like I can almost sense those bonds slipping away slowly. 8 years of marriage is alot of baggage to unload. And technically it's only been a little over a month and a half. (right?)

I don't know.

I DO (however) know that I haven't had a chance to work on ANY of my other blogs. I mean my ability to process and deal with these emotions is "sometimes" (meaning most of the time) more than I can handle. I've been trying to do the social thing (it IS the Holidays) and hang out with family. But I feel naked without my wife.

I went to my younger brothers house where he was throwing a shin-dig, and I actually found myself wandering around looking for my s.t.b.e.w., I had something funny to tell her. I almost lost it. I ended up slipping downstairs to his basement / game room to just vegg after that. I couldn't think, couldn't process.

I'm THAT guy. I spent most of my damn pre-adult life learning about women, I watched so many women (through all the damnable churches my parents ran us through) complain about men not understanding. I made that decision to KNOW what it took to make a woman happy.

What a waste. Cause all women are different.

I'm done with looking for Mrs. Right. I'm so done. Not interested in any relationship deeper than really good friends. I don't have time, I don't have the energy, and I don't have enough scraps of my heart left for another run like this one. Just don't. I have NO desire to ever even give another woman a chance to do what has been done. No desire.

And it's ok.
No it's not.
But it is what it is.

There isn't a god to cry to, oh sure, I could make one up. But it would do just as much good as pissing in the wind, without wearing my urine tho... I mean that's just gross. Nasty. sigh.

Contempt. This is an advanced emotion according to Plutchik.

I've come to the conclusion that you can't deal with your emotions properly without knowing what emotion you are feeling. I am dealing with Contempt, which is made up of Disgust and Anger. Which sounds harsh looking at it in bold text (ok, I didn't bold it, but I should) but it's what I feel. For those who know me and my s.t.b.e.w., just understand something. You didn't know us. You may have known her before we were married, you may even have known me. But you didn't know either of us while we were married because we were MASTERS at Mask's, we were who we wanted you to see.

Hell, I don't even know myself lately.

Needless to say, I'm feeling Contempt. Anger, that's a basic emotion, and Sadness.

It started out as a GREAT evening, now I'm just in a bad mood. Ah hell, it's 9:30pm, I'm still fighting this damnable cold, and it's FREEZING outside. I'm going to bed.

Night.

Trance Music, XMas, December, My Life

So it's December 11th.
Thursday.
7:56am

I'm zoning to some Trance music, loving it. The "La La La Girls" by Paffendorf is playing in my ears right now.

XMas is roughly 14 days from today, and I am dreading the experience... it's too close to this whole divorce thing. I'm planning of losing December 2008 from my life. No holidays, no new years, but January 1st... the rebirth.

I'm exactly where I am supposed to. Not that there is a planner who got things right, not that I hoped to be here, but this is where the events of my life have led me to. I don't plan on ignoring that.

This is as good as it gets for Brian Scott O'keefe. Right now. But it's not a ceiling to my capabilities by any means.

I'm learning that I have to reinvent myself daily. If I want something to stick, it has to remain important to me everyday, otherwise it CAN fade to black. So I'm reevaluating 'again' and keeping my forward momentum. It feels good, I feel good, I'm just a little anxious, impatient. I'm ready to be doing rather than planning. But... this is where I am. So this is what I'm doing.

I'm obviously not enjoying this holiday. But that's my problem. I plan on making next year be amazingly opposite.

I guess we can all wait and see.

Creativity

I'm itching for some Sculpey!

It's been awhile since I messed around with Sculpey, but the range of creative ideas you can generate are really mind-boggling. My mother uses stick pins for various reasons and I made her some funny faces to put on the ends of stick pens that she loved. The picture of the tank that I added to this blog entry was made by someone with Sculpey over at the Make Blog. A new favorite site of mine.

That's all. Just didn't want to lose this picture, thought it would be nice to remind myself to get some soon and play!

Take Your Damn Hands Off My Damned Car

Well, I drive a little Geo Metro.

It's a 95, 4-door, LSi model.

It's also the largest object I have from my marriage.

It's been broken into over 6 times, I guess 7 now. I've had two car stereos stolen from it, and the stereo currently in was pulled out and almost stolen another time. I woke up this morning, went out to get in my car, and... it was gone.

I looked around, and there it was. A couple houses down, driven up on the neighbors lawn. My ignition switch is loose, apparently loose enough that you can start the car just by turning it with a screwdriver. Yay!

(grumble)

Needles to say, I'm tired of this. My next step is to wire it with explosives and and a silent alarm. Why silent, you ask?

Because I want to have a beeper go off so I can walk over to the window before I explode the car with the would-be thief in the vehicle. I want to WATCH the miserable bastard explode into a thousand pieces... and get it for my YouTube account.

sheesh!

LEAVE MY DAMN CAR ALONE JERKS!
Who on EARTH would steal a fricking Geo Metro?!

I mean seriously!

Rob from the RICH... not the poor! You S.O.B.!!!!
I'm irritated AND laughing at it. I am guessing they got it started, took off quickly, slid on the rain soaked streets, hit the curb, engine died, and they took off.

(grumble)
(chuckle)

Sheesh!
No respect...

Ah well... it could have been worse?!
I could have been kidnapped by aliens!!!

Thus Begins The End

I love being melodramatic.

I spoke with the divorce lawyer.
Paid him his money.
He thinks we could have the divorce FINALIZED by the 19th, 20th...
Which means it theoretically COULD be finalized on the 21st!

Which would be funny in so many sick ways.
See, December 21st is our Anniversary.
I'm kinda hoping it's also the end.
That would just be funny.

SO... I'm in a weird, weird place right now. I'm "FEELING" ok? But I can tell something is wrong. I go see my counselor in 2 hours, so THAT'S gonna be a nice break from the day. Someone who can help me get the correct view on today, my life, and the future of humanity as a species.

Ok, she probably won't help me with the last piece, but...

So I'm focused on the future right now. I'm letting my wife go. She wants to end the husband / wife relationship we have with the hope that we can be friends? So I'm letting her. Hell, I'm the one designated to file the papers!

*shrugs*

I guess it's my last request as her husband. MAN!
See, here I am going back and forth. One minute I am READY to join the future.
The next? I'm mad at her for ending what we had.

I keep hearing "It'll just take time" and it makes me want to lose it.
I KNOW it'll take time. The problem is, that time it's taking? Is right now. And it's part of MY world, life, soul. And I don't even believe in a soul.

Ridiculous...

Ah well. 3:00pm can't get here fast enough.

The Healing Power Of Blogging

So I'm finding that I read back through my blog quite abit. More than I thought I would. I spoke with a friend late into the night last night, and it caused me to think about my wife.

My biggest problem, I am coming to grasp, is the understanding.

I'm one of those guys who would have stayed married despite an affair even. We didn't have anything like that. It was a letting go of emotions. We stopped loving each other in so many ways. But to ME, that means you renew. A marriage isn't about the LOVEY DOVEY feelings?! A marriage is about, I want to share this life with you... if we get side-tracked along the way, we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, help each other, and re-orient.

You have to get down to working at it when the emotions aren't there. I know we had a messed up relationship. I was a live-in nurse and housecleaner at best. Sure there was some intimacy, but it was always half-lived, stunted, it wasn't clean. I get that that can really take a chunk of your soul. But you don't just give up. You remember who you fell in love with. You work together to rekindle. You don't... just... give... up.

And that's what I felt happened.

That's what I don't understand.

But I've learned (obviously) that I don't have to understand something for it to hit me square in the face.

And that's where I am.

Oh I KNOW that I will get over this. I KNOW that I will move on and remember how to function as a single man. I've got friends, and the social ability to make more. I know that I'm a valuable person on many levels. I'm proud of who I am on so many levels. I've made some REALLY dumb mistakes that have hurt some people very close to me in my life. But it isn't a part of who I am, it was an aberration, a mistake.

I generally care for my friends, family, loved ones, whatever. I'm loyal, loving, tender, giving, the works...

My future isn't done. Hell, I'm just starting. But I really have to deal with this divorce properly, deal with the emotions as they come, properly, understand, grasp, process, and pass them. I seriously thought I would be past this already. Because in my past I have turned OFF emotions before, dealt with my first divorce like that. I hurt for about 2 days, then no more. Granted, that marriage last 10 months. And this one lasted almost 10 years. But I thought I would lock this off and move on.

The difference is, I want to be as complete as I can be now, and I have a good idea what all that entails. I want to live up to my fullest potential. I can't do that if I stunt myself emotionally. So I have to dredge through these feelings until I can leave them behind. Well, it FEELS like dredging through them. Mainly because I would have shut them down years ago and thought I was being healthy or strong.

Reading back through my blogs is providing me with alot of insight. I can see when I grasp something firmly and am able to move forward, past it. And I can see when I am stumbling around a concept and grasping at straws for most of it.

I've started down a path of philosophy lately. Something I would NEVER have dreamed I could even grasp. much less feel so entangled in. Struggling to find out why I am here, why humanity is here, what I can do about it... it's a long and arduous road with lots of pain and confusion. But I feel better for the journey.

Where will I be in 10 years?

Healthier...
Happier...
Alone... most likely.
( and living in a Smarthome for sure! )

I have to remember to remain true to me.
To allow myself no lies to myself.
Honesty only.
I believe this is the only path to true self-worth.

Skipped Day

Well, yesterday was a great freaking day. I'm slowly getting into the hang of being single again. I didn't have ANYTHING to do. I started out my day with a multiple hour long bath, I read a book that my brother has gotten me addicted to, I organized some things on the computer, I cleaned, I went for a drive, I talked with a friend for an hour, I went to a friends house and hung out and played cards (my favorite game! Netrunner), and talked shop with my brothers.

Today has been kinda the same. I'm kinda blown away how stress-free life can be on my own. Don't get me wrong, I've got like 30 pans I'm prepping for throwing in the fire once this divorce finalizes, but I don't think those things are going to stress me. They are things I will enjoy working on, I'm planning them out much better than anything I've planned out before, and I think I should be rich and/or smarter within a good 3 years.

I'm very tired right now, but I am ending my day today with a bath. I made alot happen today as well, despite spending alot of time reading for fun too. So it was another quite nice day.

These are things I never allowed myself fully when I was married... I was a moron too. But, you do what you know... and that was all I could wrap my head around. Figuring out balance in life is my next BIG goal.

BALANCE.

---

I feel so lost when it comes to interacting with new people in a healthy manner. I have this instinct to either lock completely up or open completely up. I don't do well with being balanced. But it's something I am aware of, and something I am working on. I don't know if I will ever WANT to get married again. But if I do? I can't ever do what I did this last decade. It almost killed me.

sigh

I'm hitting the bath now.
Peace, Love and Harmony

My Chemical Romance

No, this blog isn't about the rock band. It's about life.

I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself for a whole stack of reasons. It's 11:30pm on a Friday night, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, reading a book and chatting with friends. It started working up and before I knew it, I was depressed.

I sat and looked at every little thing that makes up my life.
The good, the bad, and the meh...

My life is not a bad thing. I could MAKE it a bad thing. But it isn't, in and of itself, a bad thing. It's a rebirth. I am stuck in the infant stage of this rebirth. Waiting for my finances to catch up with my desires. I have the skill and the talent to get to where I need to go, but I don't have the money yet...

But I'm getting there.

It's the "getting there" part that sucks. These moments in between, when I can't do anything? I used to fill with "being married" and dozens of little chores and responsibilities. Losing that part of me means I have to relearn what to do with my time. I didn't realize that. I mean I "knew" I would have to, but grasping that that means NOW, and maybe THEN, and possibly even LATER... I'm just now grasping that, understanding that for what it is.

I've started a new sci-fi series and I am loving it.
I have a stack of books that I need to read, I will do my best to enjoy those too.
Each moment needs to be lived.
Not necessarily filled, but lived.
Endured, Survived, Fulfilled.

These patches of grasping are really getting old.
I'm ready to know what I need to survive.

But anyways... it dawned on me that I am dealing with chemicals.
Those emotions, thoughts, ideas, plans, etc? They are all chemicals. I have the ability to rearrange them by focusing and concentrating. We get to decide what emotions control us. So I'm going to try harder to recognize that, and respond appropriately.

Don't worry, be happy.
- Bobby McFerrin

My motto...

New Perspective

It's all about the perspective, isn't it?
I mean seriously.

I was REALLY happy earlier, then I had to meet my soon-to-be-ex sister in law to deal with some of the paperwork / financial side of things. We got to talking, I asked her if my wife had said anything about the reconciliation e-mail I had sent her? Just probing, hoping to hear SOMETHING. (chuckle)

Nope. Nothing.
It dawned on me, no matter how badly she may be feeling, no matter the terrible emotional trauma this divorce may have on her, no matter how much she may miss me and the life we WERE building together... she chose this.

She chose to end something that didn't have to end.

She is the one who said, "I am not happy here. So this must end."
Not me.

I thought I had already dealt with this. Apparently I hadn't. I've been dealing with the grief and trauma from this whole event, but that doesn't mean it's gone. That doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for her that are tumbling around inside me.

I want to remove that link we share as husband and wife.
Not because I don't love her anymore, but because she let it all go.
Because she said it was easier to start over on her own, than to make this work.

Oh don't get me wrong. What we had, it had died a long time ago. We still 'cared' for each other, we still 'took care' of each other... but that love that you expect IN a marriage? We had lost it and replaced it with something else.

But that doesn't mean you give up... Those vows people make to each other in front of a priest or otherwise authorized official? Those are SUPPOSED to mean something. When you, or BOTH of you realize that the shit is all fucked up?

I'm commiserating with myself now. lol.
I'm mad, angry, upset, frustrated... I mean I have these feelings. In the last 7 years and 10 months, when I had these feelings, we discussed them together? Or I just buried them deep inside and blew up at her over something else later on. I don't have that option anymore. I have to just sit here, in my own mess. It pisses me off... but it's where I am.

I'm done with pissing and moaning. Time to shift. I've complained long enough. Pissing and moaning isn't going to fix this, moving forward, onto MY plans. That's what is going to make that change I desire. That takes time. So I have to figure out how to do those moments in between when I have made the plans for something, and when it actually happens.

Sheesh! I'm frustrated, I miss her, I'm really feeling lonely, and this is what life is for me right now. I guess I should just fucking deal with it and shut the hell up.

A Wedding At Solstice

Sorry boys and girls... but I couldn't pass this up. I was looking around in my desk for something work related, when I stumbled across this poem I wrote. I used it as my vows, something I told her the day we got married... I have to post this...

Winter's heart beats it's slowest during the solstice,
It's a promise of the coming of summer.
At this time of winter's death and the slow rebirth of summer,
We have chosen this moment as the mark of our union.

We walk forward amidst the death throes of a season,
To celebrate the birth of a marriage.
And as the cold of winter falls to the warmth of summer,
Our former lives fall to the beauty of this joining.

I wanted you to know, Leslie, my heart, that this bond is more than a ritual,
This is my eternal promise to you, my vow, the sworn path of my heart,
That as each day dawns, I will hold you dearest above all,
I will treasure you as the wife of my heart, my soul-mate.

And I wanted you also to know, that at every moment you will walk with me,
Whether in my thoughts, or my dreams, or on a simple breath.
And I will strive to show you the honor, respect, trust, and love,
That befits you, and the woman that you have made yourself to be.

This journey that we begin today, will test more than our resolve and our faith,
Even our hearts will undergo this trial of love, this journey of joy.
But I want you to know that I believe we are capable of succeeding,
That through what we share, the bond we have, we will find our happiness.

We will create a true path of love, yet unlike those who have gone before us,
We will not walk my love,
on our path of love,
we will dance.

My heart

This is what it looks like. Unconditional love?
It has the look of beauty about it, but it doesn't work.
Not if you care about yourself.
Love has to be two way, or else it is just bondage, and sickness.

My dream was this marriage to her, and that dream was shattered along with my heart. I am fighting a tear or two as I write this, but I still have to say. I am happy. There are memories I get to choose from at this crossroads of my life. Do I remember the bad things about our marriage? Or the good? I choose to learn from the bad and let them go... and hold on to and treasure the good.

We had such potential...
sigh

T-Minus 3 Minutes and Counting

Well, I'm 3 minutes from heading over to my lawyers office to file papers for the divorce from my wife.

Mixed emotions for sure...
Happy to remove the burden this marriage ended up feeling like...
Sad to lose this woman as my wife...
Peace at knowing we both are able to feel that this is a good thing...

I'm in a weird place. I suppose I'll feel better once I hit the end of this meeting. I'm tired of crying, but I fear I am not finished with that particular emotion. I'm fighting a nasty cold, and taking care of myself, and that's hard. It's all such a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. I figure I'll take these emotions and deal with them as I move forward, and figure out the rest later on.

I wish you didn't want to divorce me, my wife.
I wish you had tried harder to make this work.
Why you didn't will always plague me.
But I still love you, whether I truly want to or not.

Here's to Peace, Love and Harmony...
(raises glass of water with Emergen-C in it)

bye

Emotions, Plans, Hopes and Dreams

So I'm eating lunch right now. Chicken Breast cooked with Olive Oil, Garlic, Pepper and some Cayenne Pepper, and a side of Peas. It's 11:44am and my lunch is over at 12:30pm, so I've got around 45 minutes left to do as I see fit. So I decided to discuss life.

If you read last nights blog, you know that my wife called. She was in an emotional crisis it seemed, and she really tangled up some of my emotions. I felt quite solid in my resolve until I got off the phone with her. I mean, she's the one who wanted to divorce. Neither of us hates the other, neither of us despises the other, there wasn't an affair, I didn't beat her, nor she me... she just felt like I drifted away from her emotionally. And she feels like we are strangers now.

Now when I stop and look at our marriage. It was quite unhealthy. My wife has MS, her daily living is completely different from the average joes. I have a wee bit of a "White Knight" complex and I went kinda overboard on it. I gave up on everything that mattered to me (which she NEVER asked me to do) so that I could be a better "caregiver" for her. What I ended up doing was resenting her for losing everything I enjoy in life so that I could tend to her needs.

Again, she never asked me to do this. Some internal mechanism of mine was broken, and that's the path I went. For 7 years, and roughly 10 months. Our anniversary WOULD HAVE BEEN 18 days from now. December 21st. Winter's Solstice.

I'm sad. I feel grief over the loss of this marriage. I've gone through some addictive withdrawals over the intensity of emotions I have invested in her and caring for her. I'm not happy.

But do I feel like divorce is the only answer?
No. There is a part of me, a part that is my core, that feels if two people care for each other and they are willing to do the work necessary? They can make a marriage work, even flourish. But it takes two. As much as I would LOVE to force the issue and try to remain married?

It Is Not My Place Anymore.

I sent her an e-mail today because of her phone call last night. I told her, if she was trying to reach out to me, and tell me she thinks she made a mistake, I would gladly discuss a potential reconciliation. Do I want one tho? Do I really want to step back into the marriage that is dying?

Hell no.
It was quite loveless, it was caring, and giving, but the emotional connection was gone, it was dead.

But I would be willing to discuss a new relationship. I realized that our marriage was going to die no matter what happens. I will never be that man again. But I still am bonded to her, still loyal, out of that part of me that is my core. I would still work at creating something new if she wanted.

And I told her that.

I also told her that I am meeting the divorce lawyer tomorrow at 11:30am. She has until then to call me. If she does, I will change my counseling session on Monday from a personal session to a couples session and see what we need to do to work things out.

Do I think she's going to call?
No.

I've watched her for years. I've seen how she reacts to things like me pulling away emotionally over the years. She clamps down, she shuts it off, she kills that relationship from her side. And this I also understand.

There is a part of me that is holding onto this little string bridge of hope tho. The core part of me that is my loyalty, my honor, my emotions and logic that do not change... that part will always be willing to work towards reconciliation. Towards mending the promises and vows that we made and then subsequently have now broken.

I'm not investing myself in this hope tho. I sent out one e-mail. I will send out no more. I've already begun making plans for my future, about the time that this divorce finalizes, I will be at the stepping off point for several of those life goals. So I am a fence sitter right now. I would put myself WHOLE-HEARTEDLY into trying to make a reconciliation work. But if she doesn't call, I am already in motion towards the new me.

I felt like this one other time in my life.

Right after Marine Corps Boot Camp.

I lived in Morro Bay, California. I got home from Boot, I was doing reserve duty at Twenty Nine Palms, California. I was in the best shape of my life, weighed about 185lbs. I remember running every other day. I would track to the beach and just move. I would find my rhythm and move. One foot in front of the other. I was more alive then than I have ever felt since.

I'm 264lbs now. Walking every other day, eating right, and making plans. Once I hit 200lbs I'm planning on starting running again, if I never get to 200? I plan on making it to 220lbs at least. But no running until 200lbs or under, I don't wanna have to use a walker one moment earlier than I absolutely have to this life.

Why do I equate contentment or peace with my health? I think every sane individual does. Because it's all we have that holds any true subjective worth. My health is the ONE investment I can make that will pay honest and true dividends. If I make a million dollars and die at 65? That's kinda worthless. So my health comes first, my family and friends come second, money comes last.

Alot of emotions are flowing through me right now. It feels good tho, because up until a couple of weeks ago? Those emotions would have ridden me hard and left me wiped. Now, I am experiencing them as each one hits me. No one emotion is driving me. I do have a little bit of hope that my wife will wake up from what I feel is a bad dream... and an equal amount of hope that the dreams that I am building will not flounder but succeed which ever way my heart goes.

It's a hardknock life.
- Annie

To add to the range of emotions, I'm also fighting a nasty little bug. Congestion, Coughing, Tickle, etc. All I can think about some moments is being taken care of by my boo. It's so sad that I'll never again get to enjoy her love in that way. Oh I think we're gonna be friends which ever way things go. But she was a loverly nurse. She cared for my illnesses well. In a way that only she as my wife and nurse ever could...

Now? I'm all on my own... a bottle of theraflu, a fist full of vitamins, and a cuddle with my pillows is the best I get. Kinda sad, kinda liberating.

But I'm it from here on out. My life, health, finances, and death are all on my own.

Here's to me...
Peace, Love and Harmony

Past, Present and Future

So my wife called me tonight.
I spoke with a man about my future.
And I felt the pain of a marriage that is in it's death-throes.

A taste of my future, mingled with my past, seasoned by my present.
Phew!

I feel exhausted.
I wish my wife would beg me to take her back.
I can't wait to get to the ending points of several of my goals.

I'm ready to move forward, scared to move away, and happy that I'm at least moving.

sigh
I want my boo, but she doesn't want me.
I don't want to want my boo, but my heart has a mind of its own.

I've been told this goes away. I've been told that time will make all this more bearable. I'm starting to think those people saying that are liars. But I keep on believing them. I can do this... it's just a few more years, a few more decades, a few more moments of my life till none of it will matter anymore. I will die one day, and all of this will not matter one whit. All the worries and fear I have?! So why not enjoy the moments I do have, find peace and serenity in each moment.

That's my goal. I've never done life alone, I can't wait to start! But I'm scared to death to start. So it's a weird little rabid chipmunk in my guts just running around, chewing up everything, and I'm trying to balance my sanity, money, divorce, wife, friends, and work all at the same time.

This is fun!

Well, I keep my chin up, head held high, and eyes on the goal.

Life. A happy one.
Nuff Said