Daily Incantations

I've been kinda outta pocket these last couple weeks.

I've started dating my ex, which is weird enough... and more than fun. I've started doing art for art's sake, which is nirvanna... I've started studying online tutorials at Lynda.com in order to get back up to speed with Actionscript programming in Adobe's Flex, which is hard work right now...

I've taken on a whole lot... on top of all of this, I walk three days a week, 1 hour a day, 4.5 miles per hour. My eating habits have fluctuated lately, what with eating more meals with Skye, and the guys at work are bringing sweets in to work... I've been able to manage my weight lately without any help. However, I think it's almost time to head back and pick up at Livestrong.com for some help.

I was doing ok, but then I started being presented with options... something I could manage when I was the only one in my life... However, no man is an island, and eventually I have started to hang out and be one with the herd. This means more interaction with foods that I wouldn't normally allow myself to be tempted with.

It all boils down to...
I was 287lbs in December.
I have brought myself down to 242lbs as of two weeks ago.
As of yesterday?
I was at 249lbs.

SO... I am stepping back on track with taking my eating habits seriously. I am locking down the relaxed stance towards junk food. And I think that will take care of the problem... not that it's really a problem... it's just annoying, cause I was doing so well.

Truth be told? I've bounced a couple times before, but never this close to my goals. So it's pissing me off... I figure that managing my weight is something I will always need to do. I'm just trying to lock down my eating habits now to something I can live with forever. Because yo-yo-ing with your weight is bad for you.

Anyway...

Dating. I've been out there, mingling a little with the crowd, and it's been good and bad. I've met some women I wouldn't mind adding to my friends list, but nothing really seriously worth paying attention to. It could be because of my approach? It could be because of incompatibility. *shrugs*

I've been spending more time lately with my ex. We danced back and forth a few times the last month or so and finally had a sit down.

See, the largest reason we divorced was because I wouldn't get a life.

I would come home, and begin my day of caring for her. I could always find a reason to not go hang with friends, to not invite friends over, etc. There was always something to clean up or fetch, and thus... that's what I did. Which meant I was unhappy. I never progressed in the things I enjoy, I never tried new things, because there was always a reason to be busy.

My ex tried to tell me this, and I always felt that it was the husbands job to do what was needed. I never focused on the thought that if I didn't have a life, I wasn't bringing anything interesting to the relationship. I was just the hired help.

Well, I've gotten a life... a couple actually. Those things I always ALMSOT did when I was married? I am dancing in now. I've lost almost 50lbs. I exercise 3 days a week, and that number will be rising soon (once I hit my target weight). I'm 'doing' things now...

Which clears up most of the problems we had in our marriage.
So where do we go from here?
Well, therein lies the problem. I'm clueless when it comes to relationships. Oh, I know all the right things to SAY to someone where I am... but I can't seem to believe those things. I'm a RUSH INTO EVERYTHING kinda guy. Which is why we ended up where we did just last year.

So pulling on the reigns in ANY relationship is foreign for me. But I'm learning it...

It's a weird little dance to say the least...
It's really nice to have her around me tho...
Especially since I'm into so many cool things now...

I like getting to share with her things that I only used to talk about.
I'm doing them now tho...

SO...
Life hasn't slowed down, it's still exciting (sigh), and still moving forward full steam ahead.

I've started and completed some paintings...
I've started some 3D artwork (sculpting), but they got bogged down in personal stuff and still need to be revisited. I will be doing some sketching tonight, after the bar. I'm not a drinker so I won't be sloshed, but I do plan on having my first-ever 'Green Beer' tonight. So that'll be nice. I'm all dressed up as a Leprechaun at work today, meeting Skye tonight after work to head to the bar and freak out our friends who don't know that we are dating yet... we might just have to hold hands or kiss or something to freak them completely out... chuckle.

Either way... tonight is a busy night. Tomorrow I walk and hopefully study online some more... Maybe get back to my sculpting project... Whatever it is? I am sure that I will do it because I want to... That's why I am doing anything nowadays...

Cause I want to...

A week of decisions

Well, here I am. 8 days into the new year. I'm doing alright, feeling good actually, and quite happy. However, now that I am starting to balance out? I'm finding a distinct and powerful desire to be on my own.

You see, I have been living with family ever since the divorce started. I still am.

Don't get me wrong, they are fantastically wonderful. I am not in any way being mistreated or anything like that. I am just... ready to be single and alone.

Weird. It's odd to see me want to be alone. I've been a paired up kinda guy for years. I can't even remember the last time I was single... I'm ready to do this thing, and enjoy doing it. However, I am also house-shopping. So, I don't want to get stuck in a 12 month lease? So I am NOT sure what I want to do.

There are some small apartments close to my job that would be perfect I think. It would allow me to have my own space, get started in the purchase path towards single nirvana. I don't even have a television... lol. Not that I plan on getting one right away... my computer is all I need for now. So, I don't know what is in store for me immediately.

I'm gonna do some apartment shopping today, I have house shopping with my Real Estate agent and my ex-wife offered to come along and help. And other than that, there really isn't anything else I can "get on top of" for my future? Other than starting back into my computer projects? So...

I am meeting with a new friend for a game of chess this Saturday too, still trying to figure out whether I would like to play in the evening or morning? I honestly can't decide yet, but I am sure if I don't pick something I might lose the game time all together...

I have a facebook friend who is going to start meeting me to workout with me. Which consists of walking... that's right... just walking. But that's ok. I'm just being careful with my health. I am strictly walking right now because of my weight and age. I'm not an old man (yet) but I don't want to get to my old age and have banged up joints. So I am walking until I get under 220lbs, then I can start running and lifting weights.

Course I am losing (on average) about 3 pounds per week right now, which is cool because that's the goal I set myself on Live Strong dot com. So it should merely be a matter of months till I make it to my 220lbs mark and can start feeling even better.

Granted, I can't eat like I have this week either. My cousins came in from Ireland and I have been out twice with them and had HUGE mexican meals that have slammed my calories to hell and back. But oddly enough, I lost two pounds this week? So, I'm not all that worried. I eat carefully portioned meals on average, stick with healthy foods, nothing fast, cook with healthy spices and oils, and I'm generally taking care of myself... for what seems to be the first time in my life.

I'm getting there... getting my own space is going to be a HUGE step forward for me and I am starting to get excited about it. We shall see...

I am grateful for those things that have fallen into my world and life...
I am happy and content on some weird levels...
I am struggling with this need for companionship...

My life is here... not soon.

A New Day Is Dawning

Well, I am almost feeling normal again.

I've started working on the friendship my ex-wife discussed but I never quite believed. I believe it now... she meant it. So that's a relief.

I'm typing this on my brand-spanking new computer! My brother sold me his old desktop, which is still a nice machine! So, I'm in the middle of getting it up to speed, and blogging while downloads and installs are flying left and right.

I'm going to be getting back into Illustrator and Photoshop like I've always wanted to.
I'm going to be picking up the SYMFONY development, and begin putting together some iPhone-ready websites.
I'm going to be stepping back into my writing, I have like 3 books I started years ago and abandoned for various reason I would like to blame on my ex-wife. (chuckle)

I'm just happy to be communicating digitally and able to type close to my 100+ wpm on a digital keyboard! The iPhone keyboard is a wee bit of a suck. But everything else about it roxxorz.

I'm excited!
Happy.
Content even.

I am listening to "They Might Be Giants" and enjoying every cheesy moment of them...
Learning how to be me...
I'm proud of me.

Wish me luck... it's all starting to happen now.

Epiphanies

So I've had my iPhone for about 2 weeks now. I've been checking out a VAST ARRAY of iPhone Apps. Looking for concepts and ideas that make an App Great. I just sat down on my lunch break to breeze through some of the blogs that I follow (you should check them out on my profile... some are awesome) and I stumbled across reading my own blog. The last one in fact, about resolutions.

I thought of the things I want to "create" and it hit me.

I saw the perfect way to lay out a new app. A project I've been working on (kinda) for the last couple years, but I always seemed to find a marital reason to make it die or go away. My poor client was so patient, he never actually gave up, but I told him I would be temporarily inconvenienced and unavailable for working on his project until I got my life sorted out.

Well, I just saw his project as an iPhone app.
I think I could put together all aspects of this quite nicely...
I'm all of a sudden WAY too excited (chuckle). SO, that's one more reason to be happy this 2nd day of my new year.

I had a perfect New Years Day, I spent some time with (of all people) my ex-wife. We hashed out some serious issues we have had and I feel that much closer to figuring out where we are now. I feel freedom from being responsible for her (obviously), and I don't possess her (in that way I felt as a husband), and we were able to be friends. Nicely. We watched a movie and chatted and all in all... I'm happy.

That's all that matters isn't it...?
Well, I think so.

All of my problems didn't solve themselves tho. I think I've figured out which house I want to buy, however, my Real Estate Agent just showed me one in Sand Springs that's bigger, has more bedrooms, one more car garage and is almost $20k cheaper?! I don't know what to do about that. Cause I REALLY don't wanna live in Sand Springs, but that's quite a deal.

No, who am I kidding. Security, Comfort and Cost. Those are what you look for in a home. I don't trust Sand Springs, I wouldn't be comfortable there, altho the Cost is insane. Especially for the pictures that are listed.

So, it looks like I'll start making those grown up and adult movements towards the house that has my fancy. I have to talk the owners down almost $5k AND get them to cough up 6% of the closing costs. OR I would go down $2k also with 6% closing costs and that would be just as well. Either way, that makes the house payments in a range I am happy with.

But if I get this? We are talking a 3 bedroom house. 1 car garage. Central heating and air. All appliances. Shed in the backyard. Red bricked patio. It's very nice. Granted, I would have to enlarge the bathroom into one of the other bedrooms for the bath of my dreams, and merge two of the bedrooms into a single wonderfully sized Master Bedroom that would be larger than the living room. Hell, I'm considering making it a studio apartment. Blow out both bedrooms into one huge room.

Who knows. Still taking it all in.
Trying to find out who I am.
What I want.
How I get it.

I saw most of "The Secret" last night with my ex. It's a documentary on a meta-physical concept for Positive Thinking. It was neat how alot of their concepts were a part of who I am already and I have accounted to those aspects much of why I am where I am now. But it gave me a desire to try to expand what I accomplish and gain 10-fold. I've lived with a fairly meager expectance out of life.

I'm adding on to my resolutions a little I think.

I want to make $10 million dollars.
A year.

Not to be rich, but so I don't ever have to worry about money again.
So if you've seen the secret, you know what I am doing to get there.

I don't really have a dream car.
I don't really have a dream house.
I want to live near the ocean.
I want to draw and paint and make music of some kind...
I would be interested in sculpting...
I would absolutely love to write (and be published).
I want to be in shape and healthy.
Other than that, my life's goals are formed and discarded on a daily basis.

Where will I be in one years time?
I'm looking forward to finding out.

It's 12:30pm at work.
I'm making goals, planning, reinventing who I am.
I don't even want to stop.

Who will I be tomorrow?

Moody Brooding

From the Ender Series, by Orson Scott Card

But he knew that she would never bend. Novinha was not a person who could easily change her mind. She had set the bounds of his future.
He should have been resentful, angry. He should have blustered about getting his freedom from a marriage to a woman who refused him. But he couldn't think what he might want his freedom for. Nothing is in my hands now, he realized. No part of the future depends on me. My work, such as it is, is done, and now my only influence on the future is what my children do-- such as they are: the monster Peter, the impossibly perfect child Val.

I'm reading the Enders Series on my Kindle these days, as I plan out my future. And whereas I don't feel the same lack of purpose that Ender does in this scene... I still feel some. That's what happens when you make someone else your purpose.

However, I am rediscovering a purpose for myself.
I am rediscovering a reason for each day.
Some days I get it right. I feel accomplished and solid and ready...
But I still find days where it would be easier to end it all.
But I don't... and I won't...

I'm too much of a gambler.
Life could turn into a perfect world for me in the next 30 seconds.

or it could stay the exact same for the next 30 years.

And that is why I continue to roll the dice...