Role Models

I feel so good.

I am obviously bouncing back and forth. But I gotta tell you, I feel good. I made some decisions FOR ME tonight. I've been mulling them over for a couple weeks, and I figured out what I want... finally. You wouldn't think that would be a big deal, but you're dealing with a guy who has thrown himself away to be something/someone for others.

I stopped listening to what I wanted... stopped caring for me... and it's hell to get back on schedule. I finally realized I am not going to be happy till I move to Cali. It might take me a couple years to get there, since I have some college to go through and a good job to get... But I know now that that is what I want. California... sun... ocean... beach. I want to end my days living in the little town where I shifted into adulthood... Morro Bay.

I want just the place even, which is weird. I don't want the people I used to know. I want to be enjoy that beach... the Morro Rock... the Hearst Castle (that I never visited despite living there for almost 5 years)... the memories and the future...

But I know what I want today too.
I'm going to see if I can't see an apartment I called about today. They said they had a basement apartment, around $500, I think they said all utilities paid... It would be open on the 22nd of this month but she could hold it for a deposit. I can envision my own pad. And it's not just a "I want to be away from being taken care of by family." It's a "I want to begin living."

I feel good.
I am cleaning up the layout of this new computer.
I'm going to get it set up with all the software I want, then I'm ghosting it.

I'm excited.
I'm happy.
I'm also sad, and happy that I'm sad.

I feel like I am starting to feel those feelings I needed to feel.
Of course, I had caffeine for the first time in a week or so at the movie I just saw.

I'm so tired of being the whiny bitch...
I'm so tired of not knowing how to be me...
I feel like I am finally on track.

(crosses fingers)

So, here I go.

A week of decisions

Well, here I am. 8 days into the new year. I'm doing alright, feeling good actually, and quite happy. However, now that I am starting to balance out? I'm finding a distinct and powerful desire to be on my own.

You see, I have been living with family ever since the divorce started. I still am.

Don't get me wrong, they are fantastically wonderful. I am not in any way being mistreated or anything like that. I am just... ready to be single and alone.

Weird. It's odd to see me want to be alone. I've been a paired up kinda guy for years. I can't even remember the last time I was single... I'm ready to do this thing, and enjoy doing it. However, I am also house-shopping. So, I don't want to get stuck in a 12 month lease? So I am NOT sure what I want to do.

There are some small apartments close to my job that would be perfect I think. It would allow me to have my own space, get started in the purchase path towards single nirvana. I don't even have a television... lol. Not that I plan on getting one right away... my computer is all I need for now. So, I don't know what is in store for me immediately.

I'm gonna do some apartment shopping today, I have house shopping with my Real Estate agent and my ex-wife offered to come along and help. And other than that, there really isn't anything else I can "get on top of" for my future? Other than starting back into my computer projects? So...

I am meeting with a new friend for a game of chess this Saturday too, still trying to figure out whether I would like to play in the evening or morning? I honestly can't decide yet, but I am sure if I don't pick something I might lose the game time all together...

I have a facebook friend who is going to start meeting me to workout with me. Which consists of walking... that's right... just walking. But that's ok. I'm just being careful with my health. I am strictly walking right now because of my weight and age. I'm not an old man (yet) but I don't want to get to my old age and have banged up joints. So I am walking until I get under 220lbs, then I can start running and lifting weights.

Course I am losing (on average) about 3 pounds per week right now, which is cool because that's the goal I set myself on Live Strong dot com. So it should merely be a matter of months till I make it to my 220lbs mark and can start feeling even better.

Granted, I can't eat like I have this week either. My cousins came in from Ireland and I have been out twice with them and had HUGE mexican meals that have slammed my calories to hell and back. But oddly enough, I lost two pounds this week? So, I'm not all that worried. I eat carefully portioned meals on average, stick with healthy foods, nothing fast, cook with healthy spices and oils, and I'm generally taking care of myself... for what seems to be the first time in my life.

I'm getting there... getting my own space is going to be a HUGE step forward for me and I am starting to get excited about it. We shall see...

I am grateful for those things that have fallen into my world and life...
I am happy and content on some weird levels...
I am struggling with this need for companionship...

My life is here... not soon.

Clean Install

Ahhhhhhh...

I'm on my refreshed system.
I've got files transferring, Adobe CS3 installed, Office soon-to-be-installed, then it's the iTunes and a few other knicknacks and I'm in biddness.

I feel good today. I feel like everything is good.
I'm in some DEEP introspective due to a conversation I had with a very close friend. They said I'm fooling myself on some issues, so of course, I am looking deep to see if the cloud of self-deceipt has settled onto my shoulders. That's something I don't want to do, something I don't want to indulge in.

It's so easy to fool yourself. But you end up just BEING a fool. I'm still recovering from the divorce, still adapting to life as a single person, and I am trying the best way I know how to maintain sanity and peace of mind. I'm trying to do things because I want to do them, not because of someone else at all. That's how I've done everything to date, never for me. Never for me.

NEVER FOR ME!

I have so many issues that I didn't even recognize. I thought I had grown up in your better-than-average household, when it turned out we had some serious issues. I feel so frustrated that I'm finding this all out now, so late in life. I mean part of me says better now than never, but part of me says why bother?

I know that I want to be healthy in my interactions with the rest of you. I know that I don't even know what a healthy interaction with any of you is, yet. But I also know I am working towards becoming a whole and complete person.

I don't know... I'm a little frustrated this morning. A little because some advice I was recently given is making more and more sense. I believe I may be fooling myself to some degree... the question is, since the fooling myself feels so good right now, will I stop and take the instant pain that is waiting on the otherside of that decision? Or will I wait for the pain to be at someone elses timing and decision?

I'm gambling on finding a middle ground. If I can get some things in life started and moving forward, then I can let go of the thing that feels good without feeling ANY pain... but it's all about the timing.

Timing is everything in this case...

A New Day Is Dawning

Well, I am almost feeling normal again.

I've started working on the friendship my ex-wife discussed but I never quite believed. I believe it now... she meant it. So that's a relief.

I'm typing this on my brand-spanking new computer! My brother sold me his old desktop, which is still a nice machine! So, I'm in the middle of getting it up to speed, and blogging while downloads and installs are flying left and right.

I'm going to be getting back into Illustrator and Photoshop like I've always wanted to.
I'm going to be picking up the SYMFONY development, and begin putting together some iPhone-ready websites.
I'm going to be stepping back into my writing, I have like 3 books I started years ago and abandoned for various reason I would like to blame on my ex-wife. (chuckle)

I'm just happy to be communicating digitally and able to type close to my 100+ wpm on a digital keyboard! The iPhone keyboard is a wee bit of a suck. But everything else about it roxxorz.

I'm excited!
Happy.
Content even.

I am listening to "They Might Be Giants" and enjoying every cheesy moment of them...
Learning how to be me...
I'm proud of me.

Wish me luck... it's all starting to happen now.

Epiphanies

So I've had my iPhone for about 2 weeks now. I've been checking out a VAST ARRAY of iPhone Apps. Looking for concepts and ideas that make an App Great. I just sat down on my lunch break to breeze through some of the blogs that I follow (you should check them out on my profile... some are awesome) and I stumbled across reading my own blog. The last one in fact, about resolutions.

I thought of the things I want to "create" and it hit me.

I saw the perfect way to lay out a new app. A project I've been working on (kinda) for the last couple years, but I always seemed to find a marital reason to make it die or go away. My poor client was so patient, he never actually gave up, but I told him I would be temporarily inconvenienced and unavailable for working on his project until I got my life sorted out.

Well, I just saw his project as an iPhone app.
I think I could put together all aspects of this quite nicely...
I'm all of a sudden WAY too excited (chuckle). SO, that's one more reason to be happy this 2nd day of my new year.

I had a perfect New Years Day, I spent some time with (of all people) my ex-wife. We hashed out some serious issues we have had and I feel that much closer to figuring out where we are now. I feel freedom from being responsible for her (obviously), and I don't possess her (in that way I felt as a husband), and we were able to be friends. Nicely. We watched a movie and chatted and all in all... I'm happy.

That's all that matters isn't it...?
Well, I think so.

All of my problems didn't solve themselves tho. I think I've figured out which house I want to buy, however, my Real Estate Agent just showed me one in Sand Springs that's bigger, has more bedrooms, one more car garage and is almost $20k cheaper?! I don't know what to do about that. Cause I REALLY don't wanna live in Sand Springs, but that's quite a deal.

No, who am I kidding. Security, Comfort and Cost. Those are what you look for in a home. I don't trust Sand Springs, I wouldn't be comfortable there, altho the Cost is insane. Especially for the pictures that are listed.

So, it looks like I'll start making those grown up and adult movements towards the house that has my fancy. I have to talk the owners down almost $5k AND get them to cough up 6% of the closing costs. OR I would go down $2k also with 6% closing costs and that would be just as well. Either way, that makes the house payments in a range I am happy with.

But if I get this? We are talking a 3 bedroom house. 1 car garage. Central heating and air. All appliances. Shed in the backyard. Red bricked patio. It's very nice. Granted, I would have to enlarge the bathroom into one of the other bedrooms for the bath of my dreams, and merge two of the bedrooms into a single wonderfully sized Master Bedroom that would be larger than the living room. Hell, I'm considering making it a studio apartment. Blow out both bedrooms into one huge room.

Who knows. Still taking it all in.
Trying to find out who I am.
What I want.
How I get it.

I saw most of "The Secret" last night with my ex. It's a documentary on a meta-physical concept for Positive Thinking. It was neat how alot of their concepts were a part of who I am already and I have accounted to those aspects much of why I am where I am now. But it gave me a desire to try to expand what I accomplish and gain 10-fold. I've lived with a fairly meager expectance out of life.

I'm adding on to my resolutions a little I think.

I want to make $10 million dollars.
A year.

Not to be rich, but so I don't ever have to worry about money again.
So if you've seen the secret, you know what I am doing to get there.

I don't really have a dream car.
I don't really have a dream house.
I want to live near the ocean.
I want to draw and paint and make music of some kind...
I would be interested in sculpting...
I would absolutely love to write (and be published).
I want to be in shape and healthy.
Other than that, my life's goals are formed and discarded on a daily basis.

Where will I be in one years time?
I'm looking forward to finding out.

It's 12:30pm at work.
I'm making goals, planning, reinventing who I am.
I don't even want to stop.

Who will I be tomorrow?

Single Serving Life

Looks like I'm on my own.

Oh lordy... I still have this melodramatic urge to whine and pine for someone that doesn't want me... how annoying. I'm happy tho. When you've lived without any options for around a decade, suddenly having them? It's kinda fucked up.

I've spent my married life worried. Worried about money, about my ex-wife's health... wow. That's the first time I've been able to say "ex-wife." Still hurts. ANYWAY, I've spent it worried. Clinging to anything that was stable, keep my job (even tho my boss is intolerable), keep my car running (it's a geo, runs, but looks like poop), be careful about hurting my clothes (we couldn't afford new ones), etc.

Now nothing is holding me back, nothing is nailing me down, and I'm so new at this world that I'm kinda frozen in the headlights. Staring down the barrel of a new life, hoping and fearing that the trigger would get pulled. I found a house that is ridiculously normal. 3 bedroom, 1 bath, all appliances, central heating and air, 2 year old roof, and in my price range. I would have to turn it to a 1 bedroom, huge ass bathroom, in order to make it what I wanted... but is that what I want? A home in suburbia? What the fuck?!

I'm kinda thinking I'll take the house. I went out to see it last night, in the dark, to see what the neighborhood looks like. It was quiet and peaceful, not in the woods (like I want), but quiet... peaceful...

But what then?
I have things in me that need out.

I want to draw, paint, do photography, play music, learn new languages... write, create, build...

It's a huge world out there.
I'm a single serving kinda guy now.
I can't imagine EVER trusting anyone with that much of my heart again.
I honestly trusted her with that pure part of me, and she stepped on it... twice.
But that doesn't mean I can't have friends...

so

Here's to friends... life... liberty and the pursuit of hard liquor!
( oh and code... LOTS of code... )

Peace out

9" Nails

I'm getting ready for bed at 8:47pm. I'm trying to offset a 4:00am bedtime last night. If I get to bed now, I can get 8 hours of sleep in time for tomorrow. And that's what I'm shooting for. I have a week to look forward to.

This week I am making my rebirth event.
I'm turning Thursday into a day I will celebrate, and NOT because my brother was born on that day either... sorry Jesse.

Thursday is a new year.
My divorce may not be finalized by that day via the courts? But it's finished as far as my mind and body recognize it, so I am making Thursday my day. I'm recognizing the importance of reinventing myself, I'm grabbing ahold of what I want and making it real this year. Hell, by Thursday, I will have moved even further towards my new home, I might have my new computer and have re-started several key projects, and more.

It's time.

Meanwhile, I was stumbling around in some of my old posts, and I ran across this post on Richard Dawkins forum... from someone whom I admire for their wit.

Click Here To Get To Original Post

---

Look... you believe that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who is his own father, can make you live forever if you submit to a magical soul-douching ceremony (complete with magical water, incantations and waving of hands), symbolically eat his flesh (in the form of a cracker) and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was tricked by a malevolent entity (disguised a talking snake... with legs) into eating a piece of magical fruit from an enchanted tree... (etc.)... and that there is something horribly wrong with people who ARE NOT so stupid and gullible that they can be made to believe such outrageously ridiculous codswallop.

Ahhhhh... I love it when people sum up some things so beautifully.
Thank you DuckPhup...

Well, it's 9:20pm. My day was nice and relaxing. I feel so much better than I have in years. I'm starting to get used to these swings too. I will feel completely depressed for awhile, then I start to rediscover things I enjoy, then I start to have hope. Well, I'm at the hope phase right now and I will enjoy it. If I start to swing down, at least I can recognize it and it doesn't take control of me. It helps me to focus on what is wrong, and present solutions to fix it.

I'm shutting my soon-to-be-replaced system down... turning up the volume on my tunage... climbing under the covers... and finding nirvanna...

Tomorrow is a full day...
May yours be better than you ever thought it could be.

Silent Waves

I'm sitting at my desk, in a mostly empty building, the day after x-mas. And yes, I purposely remove the christ from christmas, but not because I'm an atheist. I do it because of the anger I feel at the whole xtian mythology.

I spent most of my life wading through dogma and doctrine, praying fervently, begging to hear the voice of god... and when I never did? Rather than realize that meant I was (mostly) sane? I felt let down...

As it turns out? I kept studying, I kept driving towards that mark, that knowledge, that connection. Turns out I was merely following the genetic drives that cause most people to be theists... Dualism and Teleology... If you need to know more? Read "The Selfish Gene" by Dawkins, he explains it all.

So my genetics drove me to search for a higher power that doesn't even exist.
That's kinda fucked up ain't it... when you REALLY think about it?

But it's ok. Because those same genetics make it possible to dream, think, connect, walk and talk... and feel... and be. I feel like I am drifting lately. I'm 37 years old and that bounces me between feeling old? And feeling young. Sometimes it's enough to make me crazy.

But it's these Silent waves that are dancing through me... music, trance, beats...

I got an iPhone recently, it was a life gift to myself. I say "life gift" because I wanted it, under the previous regime I couldn't afford it, and it fulfills some desires I've had for awhile. I'm now officially connected to the interwebz. Sad? Maybe... but I've been happy. The flip side to the coin is an aspect of owning this sucker that I never considered. iPod?!

I haven't gone more than 20 minutes sans music.
I have started to feel those drives I used to have.
To create... to make magic... to build and dream...

I was sitting at my desk today, surrounded by digital 'garbage' that is my 'job' and I realized...

1) I have this job SIMPLY so I could maintain the Health Insurance for my wife's condition.
2) I hate this job.

Sadly, I feel like Will Ferrel in "Step Brothers" in that I've had to grow up just enough that I can't just let this job go to pursue my dream. I'm instead planning out how to GET to my dream without losing the steady (and not bad) income that I have right now. It's kinda like peeling off a scab. It hurts like billy-oh coming off, but once it's gone it feels great.

So I'm slowly peeling off the 'scab' that is my current life to reveal the pinkish not yet healed skin underneath. Hopefully I don't get an infection!

lol.

Ah... But what are you gonna do?

Tomorrow is the weekend. I'm gonna get to hang out with a new friend (hopefully!) and she's an atheist! I do not know a single atheist locally. So to be able to commune with another infidel has me at some high points for sure. To KNOW that a conversation will not contain such phrases as "well I believe that" or "he answered MY prayers so he can answer yours" or "you should pray about that" just about makes me drunk with joy... lol.

All of my atheist friends live on the interwebz. Because prior to my joining the ranks of the heathens, I was a searching theist... therefore ALL OF MY FRIENDS were (and sadly are) theists to some degree or another.

Now I say I'm an atheist, but I have to freely admit I do have ONE belief. And it's in the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" because, I mean... If you're going to believe in a super-powerful individual for which there is not a single shred of observational evidence in reality for? The Flying Spaghetti Monster is just that much more fun.

I mean what other heaven has Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories?!

Just doesn't get better... except it does!
Pirates! You gotta dress like a pirate to respectfully preach his word.

And his word is pasta!

RAmen...
Well, on that note, I'm going back to my book and the last 18 minutes of this sad little lunch break alone... my office empty. I'm thinking about turning off the lights and sitting in the dark. More moody that way... and I could make scary ghost sounds too... hmmmmm

brb.

The Zombie Perspective

So it's been a couple days.
I've had time to ponder over the events of the last few days of my life, last few months, and even (lo and behold) the last few years...

I have said, and now believe, that I have been given another chance to do my life right. I fought this divorce so hard. It's against who I am to allow a relationship to die without fighting for it. But it takes two to make it a fight... so here I am...

I felt like a failure when this thing fell over. But a very good (and completely imaginary) friend of mine said, that once you know the truth of the matter... why someone does something (or in my case did something) you can understand their motives, you know WHY they would make decisions that you weren't compelled to make, which allows you to forgive real (or even perceived) wrong doings on their part.

I understand...
I get it...
Finally...

Now I have to fight the apathy towards them. It's no longer a hatred, or anger, or fierce emotions... it's the uncaring sensation that says they made themselves obsolete in my circle of friends. But should I fight it? Should I try to be friends with someone who... it doesn't matter. It will all work itself out.

I am free...
So weird, so odd... these wings of freedom are finally mine... luckily, because I trusted they would come and so I jumped off the precipice before I ever received them. Now they can protect me from the looming ground of death, and the merciless pull of the gravity of time and emotion. I'm free to be me. And all the wonder and oddness that entails.

I'm really ready to start writing about memetics and memes again tho, to tell you the truth. I'm tired of being wrapped up in this little pain ball called divorce. Ready to be free, single, mine...

Who knows what tomorrow brings?
No one...
But I know that 7:45pm tonight holds a Zombie flick called Quarantine for ME!

Daily Grind

So it's Tuesday night.
I got halfway through the movie The Matrix.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife returned my call half-way through and now I am not in the mood to finish it. Argh.

How am I supposed to feel when my s.t.b.e.w. (see above) calls and has to end the call because she is starting to get sad and feels like she's going to cry? Especially when she is the one who wants the divorce in the first place?! I don't even have a clue how to feel.

I'm so ready to get back to life.
I feel like my life is on hold STILL... however, to be honest. I do feel like I can almost sense those bonds slipping away slowly. 8 years of marriage is alot of baggage to unload. And technically it's only been a little over a month and a half. (right?)

I don't know.

I DO (however) know that I haven't had a chance to work on ANY of my other blogs. I mean my ability to process and deal with these emotions is "sometimes" (meaning most of the time) more than I can handle. I've been trying to do the social thing (it IS the Holidays) and hang out with family. But I feel naked without my wife.

I went to my younger brothers house where he was throwing a shin-dig, and I actually found myself wandering around looking for my s.t.b.e.w., I had something funny to tell her. I almost lost it. I ended up slipping downstairs to his basement / game room to just vegg after that. I couldn't think, couldn't process.

I'm THAT guy. I spent most of my damn pre-adult life learning about women, I watched so many women (through all the damnable churches my parents ran us through) complain about men not understanding. I made that decision to KNOW what it took to make a woman happy.

What a waste. Cause all women are different.

I'm done with looking for Mrs. Right. I'm so done. Not interested in any relationship deeper than really good friends. I don't have time, I don't have the energy, and I don't have enough scraps of my heart left for another run like this one. Just don't. I have NO desire to ever even give another woman a chance to do what has been done. No desire.

And it's ok.
No it's not.
But it is what it is.

There isn't a god to cry to, oh sure, I could make one up. But it would do just as much good as pissing in the wind, without wearing my urine tho... I mean that's just gross. Nasty. sigh.

Contempt. This is an advanced emotion according to Plutchik.

I've come to the conclusion that you can't deal with your emotions properly without knowing what emotion you are feeling. I am dealing with Contempt, which is made up of Disgust and Anger. Which sounds harsh looking at it in bold text (ok, I didn't bold it, but I should) but it's what I feel. For those who know me and my s.t.b.e.w., just understand something. You didn't know us. You may have known her before we were married, you may even have known me. But you didn't know either of us while we were married because we were MASTERS at Mask's, we were who we wanted you to see.

Hell, I don't even know myself lately.

Needless to say, I'm feeling Contempt. Anger, that's a basic emotion, and Sadness.

It started out as a GREAT evening, now I'm just in a bad mood. Ah hell, it's 9:30pm, I'm still fighting this damnable cold, and it's FREEZING outside. I'm going to bed.

Night.

Trance Music, XMas, December, My Life

So it's December 11th.
Thursday.
7:56am

I'm zoning to some Trance music, loving it. The "La La La Girls" by Paffendorf is playing in my ears right now.

XMas is roughly 14 days from today, and I am dreading the experience... it's too close to this whole divorce thing. I'm planning of losing December 2008 from my life. No holidays, no new years, but January 1st... the rebirth.

I'm exactly where I am supposed to. Not that there is a planner who got things right, not that I hoped to be here, but this is where the events of my life have led me to. I don't plan on ignoring that.

This is as good as it gets for Brian Scott O'keefe. Right now. But it's not a ceiling to my capabilities by any means.

I'm learning that I have to reinvent myself daily. If I want something to stick, it has to remain important to me everyday, otherwise it CAN fade to black. So I'm reevaluating 'again' and keeping my forward momentum. It feels good, I feel good, I'm just a little anxious, impatient. I'm ready to be doing rather than planning. But... this is where I am. So this is what I'm doing.

I'm obviously not enjoying this holiday. But that's my problem. I plan on making next year be amazingly opposite.

I guess we can all wait and see.

The Healing Power Of Blogging

So I'm finding that I read back through my blog quite abit. More than I thought I would. I spoke with a friend late into the night last night, and it caused me to think about my wife.

My biggest problem, I am coming to grasp, is the understanding.

I'm one of those guys who would have stayed married despite an affair even. We didn't have anything like that. It was a letting go of emotions. We stopped loving each other in so many ways. But to ME, that means you renew. A marriage isn't about the LOVEY DOVEY feelings?! A marriage is about, I want to share this life with you... if we get side-tracked along the way, we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, help each other, and re-orient.

You have to get down to working at it when the emotions aren't there. I know we had a messed up relationship. I was a live-in nurse and housecleaner at best. Sure there was some intimacy, but it was always half-lived, stunted, it wasn't clean. I get that that can really take a chunk of your soul. But you don't just give up. You remember who you fell in love with. You work together to rekindle. You don't... just... give... up.

And that's what I felt happened.

That's what I don't understand.

But I've learned (obviously) that I don't have to understand something for it to hit me square in the face.

And that's where I am.

Oh I KNOW that I will get over this. I KNOW that I will move on and remember how to function as a single man. I've got friends, and the social ability to make more. I know that I'm a valuable person on many levels. I'm proud of who I am on so many levels. I've made some REALLY dumb mistakes that have hurt some people very close to me in my life. But it isn't a part of who I am, it was an aberration, a mistake.

I generally care for my friends, family, loved ones, whatever. I'm loyal, loving, tender, giving, the works...

My future isn't done. Hell, I'm just starting. But I really have to deal with this divorce properly, deal with the emotions as they come, properly, understand, grasp, process, and pass them. I seriously thought I would be past this already. Because in my past I have turned OFF emotions before, dealt with my first divorce like that. I hurt for about 2 days, then no more. Granted, that marriage last 10 months. And this one lasted almost 10 years. But I thought I would lock this off and move on.

The difference is, I want to be as complete as I can be now, and I have a good idea what all that entails. I want to live up to my fullest potential. I can't do that if I stunt myself emotionally. So I have to dredge through these feelings until I can leave them behind. Well, it FEELS like dredging through them. Mainly because I would have shut them down years ago and thought I was being healthy or strong.

Reading back through my blogs is providing me with alot of insight. I can see when I grasp something firmly and am able to move forward, past it. And I can see when I am stumbling around a concept and grasping at straws for most of it.

I've started down a path of philosophy lately. Something I would NEVER have dreamed I could even grasp. much less feel so entangled in. Struggling to find out why I am here, why humanity is here, what I can do about it... it's a long and arduous road with lots of pain and confusion. But I feel better for the journey.

Where will I be in 10 years?

Healthier...
Happier...
Alone... most likely.
( and living in a Smarthome for sure! )

I have to remember to remain true to me.
To allow myself no lies to myself.
Honesty only.
I believe this is the only path to true self-worth.

Skipped Day

Well, yesterday was a great freaking day. I'm slowly getting into the hang of being single again. I didn't have ANYTHING to do. I started out my day with a multiple hour long bath, I read a book that my brother has gotten me addicted to, I organized some things on the computer, I cleaned, I went for a drive, I talked with a friend for an hour, I went to a friends house and hung out and played cards (my favorite game! Netrunner), and talked shop with my brothers.

Today has been kinda the same. I'm kinda blown away how stress-free life can be on my own. Don't get me wrong, I've got like 30 pans I'm prepping for throwing in the fire once this divorce finalizes, but I don't think those things are going to stress me. They are things I will enjoy working on, I'm planning them out much better than anything I've planned out before, and I think I should be rich and/or smarter within a good 3 years.

I'm very tired right now, but I am ending my day today with a bath. I made alot happen today as well, despite spending alot of time reading for fun too. So it was another quite nice day.

These are things I never allowed myself fully when I was married... I was a moron too. But, you do what you know... and that was all I could wrap my head around. Figuring out balance in life is my next BIG goal.

BALANCE.

---

I feel so lost when it comes to interacting with new people in a healthy manner. I have this instinct to either lock completely up or open completely up. I don't do well with being balanced. But it's something I am aware of, and something I am working on. I don't know if I will ever WANT to get married again. But if I do? I can't ever do what I did this last decade. It almost killed me.

sigh

I'm hitting the bath now.
Peace, Love and Harmony

Always Look Forward

Have you ever had one of those moments when life seems to stop completely and allow you that one look at everything you've been needing? It's like everything is frozen and you can glance over ALL the details of everything you've put into motion, and everything you've chosen to interact with. I feel that right now.

It was a brief moment, a glimpse, but it felt like hours. I could see forward and I realized that my problems are from looking back. You should never forget the past, or you risk making the same mistakes. But to brood on the past? To only involve yourself in the past? This is a path towards frustration, anger, dark emotions. Because when you involve your world in a time frame where you cannot adjust anything... you can only experience the most powerful parts of that moment.

1. If I look at the past, I can see the bad and the good, but I can't change either.


2. If I look at the present, I can adjust now to avoid the bad, and make the good.


3. If I look at the present, I can plan for the good and bad, but only the present provides me with a means of making them so.

It's like a weird melding of Now and Soon.
I have to learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the present.

I feel this weird relief. Completely washed over me. Took away the bad, the anxiety, the negativity... my future has always been mine. My present has been sacrificed to a past I didn't know how to change. My past is my past. I can be who I need and want to be, I just have to be willing to make the moments between now and soon into that path.

Peace is flowing through me... I see where I'm going and I am happy for it.
I am making steps towards that goal daily.
When I am not on a step, that moment is free for whatever I may need.

cool.