A week of decisions

Well, here I am. 8 days into the new year. I'm doing alright, feeling good actually, and quite happy. However, now that I am starting to balance out? I'm finding a distinct and powerful desire to be on my own.

You see, I have been living with family ever since the divorce started. I still am.

Don't get me wrong, they are fantastically wonderful. I am not in any way being mistreated or anything like that. I am just... ready to be single and alone.

Weird. It's odd to see me want to be alone. I've been a paired up kinda guy for years. I can't even remember the last time I was single... I'm ready to do this thing, and enjoy doing it. However, I am also house-shopping. So, I don't want to get stuck in a 12 month lease? So I am NOT sure what I want to do.

There are some small apartments close to my job that would be perfect I think. It would allow me to have my own space, get started in the purchase path towards single nirvana. I don't even have a television... lol. Not that I plan on getting one right away... my computer is all I need for now. So, I don't know what is in store for me immediately.

I'm gonna do some apartment shopping today, I have house shopping with my Real Estate agent and my ex-wife offered to come along and help. And other than that, there really isn't anything else I can "get on top of" for my future? Other than starting back into my computer projects? So...

I am meeting with a new friend for a game of chess this Saturday too, still trying to figure out whether I would like to play in the evening or morning? I honestly can't decide yet, but I am sure if I don't pick something I might lose the game time all together...

I have a facebook friend who is going to start meeting me to workout with me. Which consists of walking... that's right... just walking. But that's ok. I'm just being careful with my health. I am strictly walking right now because of my weight and age. I'm not an old man (yet) but I don't want to get to my old age and have banged up joints. So I am walking until I get under 220lbs, then I can start running and lifting weights.

Course I am losing (on average) about 3 pounds per week right now, which is cool because that's the goal I set myself on Live Strong dot com. So it should merely be a matter of months till I make it to my 220lbs mark and can start feeling even better.

Granted, I can't eat like I have this week either. My cousins came in from Ireland and I have been out twice with them and had HUGE mexican meals that have slammed my calories to hell and back. But oddly enough, I lost two pounds this week? So, I'm not all that worried. I eat carefully portioned meals on average, stick with healthy foods, nothing fast, cook with healthy spices and oils, and I'm generally taking care of myself... for what seems to be the first time in my life.

I'm getting there... getting my own space is going to be a HUGE step forward for me and I am starting to get excited about it. We shall see...

I am grateful for those things that have fallen into my world and life...
I am happy and content on some weird levels...
I am struggling with this need for companionship...

My life is here... not soon.

Clean Install

Ahhhhhhh...

I'm on my refreshed system.
I've got files transferring, Adobe CS3 installed, Office soon-to-be-installed, then it's the iTunes and a few other knicknacks and I'm in biddness.

I feel good today. I feel like everything is good.
I'm in some DEEP introspective due to a conversation I had with a very close friend. They said I'm fooling myself on some issues, so of course, I am looking deep to see if the cloud of self-deceipt has settled onto my shoulders. That's something I don't want to do, something I don't want to indulge in.

It's so easy to fool yourself. But you end up just BEING a fool. I'm still recovering from the divorce, still adapting to life as a single person, and I am trying the best way I know how to maintain sanity and peace of mind. I'm trying to do things because I want to do them, not because of someone else at all. That's how I've done everything to date, never for me. Never for me.

NEVER FOR ME!

I have so many issues that I didn't even recognize. I thought I had grown up in your better-than-average household, when it turned out we had some serious issues. I feel so frustrated that I'm finding this all out now, so late in life. I mean part of me says better now than never, but part of me says why bother?

I know that I want to be healthy in my interactions with the rest of you. I know that I don't even know what a healthy interaction with any of you is, yet. But I also know I am working towards becoming a whole and complete person.

I don't know... I'm a little frustrated this morning. A little because some advice I was recently given is making more and more sense. I believe I may be fooling myself to some degree... the question is, since the fooling myself feels so good right now, will I stop and take the instant pain that is waiting on the otherside of that decision? Or will I wait for the pain to be at someone elses timing and decision?

I'm gambling on finding a middle ground. If I can get some things in life started and moving forward, then I can let go of the thing that feels good without feeling ANY pain... but it's all about the timing.

Timing is everything in this case...

Epiphanies

So I've had my iPhone for about 2 weeks now. I've been checking out a VAST ARRAY of iPhone Apps. Looking for concepts and ideas that make an App Great. I just sat down on my lunch break to breeze through some of the blogs that I follow (you should check them out on my profile... some are awesome) and I stumbled across reading my own blog. The last one in fact, about resolutions.

I thought of the things I want to "create" and it hit me.

I saw the perfect way to lay out a new app. A project I've been working on (kinda) for the last couple years, but I always seemed to find a marital reason to make it die or go away. My poor client was so patient, he never actually gave up, but I told him I would be temporarily inconvenienced and unavailable for working on his project until I got my life sorted out.

Well, I just saw his project as an iPhone app.
I think I could put together all aspects of this quite nicely...
I'm all of a sudden WAY too excited (chuckle). SO, that's one more reason to be happy this 2nd day of my new year.

I had a perfect New Years Day, I spent some time with (of all people) my ex-wife. We hashed out some serious issues we have had and I feel that much closer to figuring out where we are now. I feel freedom from being responsible for her (obviously), and I don't possess her (in that way I felt as a husband), and we were able to be friends. Nicely. We watched a movie and chatted and all in all... I'm happy.

That's all that matters isn't it...?
Well, I think so.

All of my problems didn't solve themselves tho. I think I've figured out which house I want to buy, however, my Real Estate Agent just showed me one in Sand Springs that's bigger, has more bedrooms, one more car garage and is almost $20k cheaper?! I don't know what to do about that. Cause I REALLY don't wanna live in Sand Springs, but that's quite a deal.

No, who am I kidding. Security, Comfort and Cost. Those are what you look for in a home. I don't trust Sand Springs, I wouldn't be comfortable there, altho the Cost is insane. Especially for the pictures that are listed.

So, it looks like I'll start making those grown up and adult movements towards the house that has my fancy. I have to talk the owners down almost $5k AND get them to cough up 6% of the closing costs. OR I would go down $2k also with 6% closing costs and that would be just as well. Either way, that makes the house payments in a range I am happy with.

But if I get this? We are talking a 3 bedroom house. 1 car garage. Central heating and air. All appliances. Shed in the backyard. Red bricked patio. It's very nice. Granted, I would have to enlarge the bathroom into one of the other bedrooms for the bath of my dreams, and merge two of the bedrooms into a single wonderfully sized Master Bedroom that would be larger than the living room. Hell, I'm considering making it a studio apartment. Blow out both bedrooms into one huge room.

Who knows. Still taking it all in.
Trying to find out who I am.
What I want.
How I get it.

I saw most of "The Secret" last night with my ex. It's a documentary on a meta-physical concept for Positive Thinking. It was neat how alot of their concepts were a part of who I am already and I have accounted to those aspects much of why I am where I am now. But it gave me a desire to try to expand what I accomplish and gain 10-fold. I've lived with a fairly meager expectance out of life.

I'm adding on to my resolutions a little I think.

I want to make $10 million dollars.
A year.

Not to be rich, but so I don't ever have to worry about money again.
So if you've seen the secret, you know what I am doing to get there.

I don't really have a dream car.
I don't really have a dream house.
I want to live near the ocean.
I want to draw and paint and make music of some kind...
I would be interested in sculpting...
I would absolutely love to write (and be published).
I want to be in shape and healthy.
Other than that, my life's goals are formed and discarded on a daily basis.

Where will I be in one years time?
I'm looking forward to finding out.

It's 12:30pm at work.
I'm making goals, planning, reinventing who I am.
I don't even want to stop.

Who will I be tomorrow?

Silent Waves

I'm sitting at my desk, in a mostly empty building, the day after x-mas. And yes, I purposely remove the christ from christmas, but not because I'm an atheist. I do it because of the anger I feel at the whole xtian mythology.

I spent most of my life wading through dogma and doctrine, praying fervently, begging to hear the voice of god... and when I never did? Rather than realize that meant I was (mostly) sane? I felt let down...

As it turns out? I kept studying, I kept driving towards that mark, that knowledge, that connection. Turns out I was merely following the genetic drives that cause most people to be theists... Dualism and Teleology... If you need to know more? Read "The Selfish Gene" by Dawkins, he explains it all.

So my genetics drove me to search for a higher power that doesn't even exist.
That's kinda fucked up ain't it... when you REALLY think about it?

But it's ok. Because those same genetics make it possible to dream, think, connect, walk and talk... and feel... and be. I feel like I am drifting lately. I'm 37 years old and that bounces me between feeling old? And feeling young. Sometimes it's enough to make me crazy.

But it's these Silent waves that are dancing through me... music, trance, beats...

I got an iPhone recently, it was a life gift to myself. I say "life gift" because I wanted it, under the previous regime I couldn't afford it, and it fulfills some desires I've had for awhile. I'm now officially connected to the interwebz. Sad? Maybe... but I've been happy. The flip side to the coin is an aspect of owning this sucker that I never considered. iPod?!

I haven't gone more than 20 minutes sans music.
I have started to feel those drives I used to have.
To create... to make magic... to build and dream...

I was sitting at my desk today, surrounded by digital 'garbage' that is my 'job' and I realized...

1) I have this job SIMPLY so I could maintain the Health Insurance for my wife's condition.
2) I hate this job.

Sadly, I feel like Will Ferrel in "Step Brothers" in that I've had to grow up just enough that I can't just let this job go to pursue my dream. I'm instead planning out how to GET to my dream without losing the steady (and not bad) income that I have right now. It's kinda like peeling off a scab. It hurts like billy-oh coming off, but once it's gone it feels great.

So I'm slowly peeling off the 'scab' that is my current life to reveal the pinkish not yet healed skin underneath. Hopefully I don't get an infection!

lol.

Ah... But what are you gonna do?

Tomorrow is the weekend. I'm gonna get to hang out with a new friend (hopefully!) and she's an atheist! I do not know a single atheist locally. So to be able to commune with another infidel has me at some high points for sure. To KNOW that a conversation will not contain such phrases as "well I believe that" or "he answered MY prayers so he can answer yours" or "you should pray about that" just about makes me drunk with joy... lol.

All of my atheist friends live on the interwebz. Because prior to my joining the ranks of the heathens, I was a searching theist... therefore ALL OF MY FRIENDS were (and sadly are) theists to some degree or another.

Now I say I'm an atheist, but I have to freely admit I do have ONE belief. And it's in the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" because, I mean... If you're going to believe in a super-powerful individual for which there is not a single shred of observational evidence in reality for? The Flying Spaghetti Monster is just that much more fun.

I mean what other heaven has Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories?!

Just doesn't get better... except it does!
Pirates! You gotta dress like a pirate to respectfully preach his word.

And his word is pasta!

RAmen...
Well, on that note, I'm going back to my book and the last 18 minutes of this sad little lunch break alone... my office empty. I'm thinking about turning off the lights and sitting in the dark. More moody that way... and I could make scary ghost sounds too... hmmmmm

brb.

Happy Hormone Day

Have you ever had a day where you didn't understand why you were happy?

I've been having these lately.
I am going to take a leap and blame it on eating right and taking a handful of vitamins my father has put me on.

I mean for instance. Today.
Things to be upset about:

---

1. I woke up


2. I have a catch in my back, it hurts when I stand straight.


3. I am still fighting this NASTY NASTY cold


4. My lawyer hasn't called me back to reschedule despite leaving a oouple msgs


5. I am busted ass broke

But I'm not?! I'm happy. I feel good. And it's been a growing thing. I've dealt with some emotional roller coasters in my life. Hell, at one point I thought I was Bi-Polar. It turned out I was over-stressed, eating improperly, and not setting proper emotional boundaries with family and friends.

But lately, I've felt this growing feeling of peace and happiness. It's been like something I can't control, not that I would change it. Don't get me wrong, I've had some serious depressing moments. But they have stayed moments. The feel-good is lasting longer! Bizarre!

I've been tracking my health over at Live Strong dot com and I have noticed that the less sugar I take in, the less bread-type carbs I ingest, the happier I get! Crazy...

Anyway, I'm running on a couple days of feeling good, despite external reasons for feeling like shite, and I must say... I like it.

I have this craving for a soda right now... and being able to equate this feeling with NOT getting that soda? Makes it ALOT easier to life my bottle of water to my mouth and drink happily!!!

Now I gotta figure out how I'm gonna eat the Ice Cream Sandwiches at home without eating the sugar!

Emotions, Plans, Hopes and Dreams

So I'm eating lunch right now. Chicken Breast cooked with Olive Oil, Garlic, Pepper and some Cayenne Pepper, and a side of Peas. It's 11:44am and my lunch is over at 12:30pm, so I've got around 45 minutes left to do as I see fit. So I decided to discuss life.

If you read last nights blog, you know that my wife called. She was in an emotional crisis it seemed, and she really tangled up some of my emotions. I felt quite solid in my resolve until I got off the phone with her. I mean, she's the one who wanted to divorce. Neither of us hates the other, neither of us despises the other, there wasn't an affair, I didn't beat her, nor she me... she just felt like I drifted away from her emotionally. And she feels like we are strangers now.

Now when I stop and look at our marriage. It was quite unhealthy. My wife has MS, her daily living is completely different from the average joes. I have a wee bit of a "White Knight" complex and I went kinda overboard on it. I gave up on everything that mattered to me (which she NEVER asked me to do) so that I could be a better "caregiver" for her. What I ended up doing was resenting her for losing everything I enjoy in life so that I could tend to her needs.

Again, she never asked me to do this. Some internal mechanism of mine was broken, and that's the path I went. For 7 years, and roughly 10 months. Our anniversary WOULD HAVE BEEN 18 days from now. December 21st. Winter's Solstice.

I'm sad. I feel grief over the loss of this marriage. I've gone through some addictive withdrawals over the intensity of emotions I have invested in her and caring for her. I'm not happy.

But do I feel like divorce is the only answer?
No. There is a part of me, a part that is my core, that feels if two people care for each other and they are willing to do the work necessary? They can make a marriage work, even flourish. But it takes two. As much as I would LOVE to force the issue and try to remain married?

It Is Not My Place Anymore.

I sent her an e-mail today because of her phone call last night. I told her, if she was trying to reach out to me, and tell me she thinks she made a mistake, I would gladly discuss a potential reconciliation. Do I want one tho? Do I really want to step back into the marriage that is dying?

Hell no.
It was quite loveless, it was caring, and giving, but the emotional connection was gone, it was dead.

But I would be willing to discuss a new relationship. I realized that our marriage was going to die no matter what happens. I will never be that man again. But I still am bonded to her, still loyal, out of that part of me that is my core. I would still work at creating something new if she wanted.

And I told her that.

I also told her that I am meeting the divorce lawyer tomorrow at 11:30am. She has until then to call me. If she does, I will change my counseling session on Monday from a personal session to a couples session and see what we need to do to work things out.

Do I think she's going to call?
No.

I've watched her for years. I've seen how she reacts to things like me pulling away emotionally over the years. She clamps down, she shuts it off, she kills that relationship from her side. And this I also understand.

There is a part of me that is holding onto this little string bridge of hope tho. The core part of me that is my loyalty, my honor, my emotions and logic that do not change... that part will always be willing to work towards reconciliation. Towards mending the promises and vows that we made and then subsequently have now broken.

I'm not investing myself in this hope tho. I sent out one e-mail. I will send out no more. I've already begun making plans for my future, about the time that this divorce finalizes, I will be at the stepping off point for several of those life goals. So I am a fence sitter right now. I would put myself WHOLE-HEARTEDLY into trying to make a reconciliation work. But if she doesn't call, I am already in motion towards the new me.

I felt like this one other time in my life.

Right after Marine Corps Boot Camp.

I lived in Morro Bay, California. I got home from Boot, I was doing reserve duty at Twenty Nine Palms, California. I was in the best shape of my life, weighed about 185lbs. I remember running every other day. I would track to the beach and just move. I would find my rhythm and move. One foot in front of the other. I was more alive then than I have ever felt since.

I'm 264lbs now. Walking every other day, eating right, and making plans. Once I hit 200lbs I'm planning on starting running again, if I never get to 200? I plan on making it to 220lbs at least. But no running until 200lbs or under, I don't wanna have to use a walker one moment earlier than I absolutely have to this life.

Why do I equate contentment or peace with my health? I think every sane individual does. Because it's all we have that holds any true subjective worth. My health is the ONE investment I can make that will pay honest and true dividends. If I make a million dollars and die at 65? That's kinda worthless. So my health comes first, my family and friends come second, money comes last.

Alot of emotions are flowing through me right now. It feels good tho, because up until a couple of weeks ago? Those emotions would have ridden me hard and left me wiped. Now, I am experiencing them as each one hits me. No one emotion is driving me. I do have a little bit of hope that my wife will wake up from what I feel is a bad dream... and an equal amount of hope that the dreams that I am building will not flounder but succeed which ever way my heart goes.

It's a hardknock life.
- Annie

To add to the range of emotions, I'm also fighting a nasty little bug. Congestion, Coughing, Tickle, etc. All I can think about some moments is being taken care of by my boo. It's so sad that I'll never again get to enjoy her love in that way. Oh I think we're gonna be friends which ever way things go. But she was a loverly nurse. She cared for my illnesses well. In a way that only she as my wife and nurse ever could...

Now? I'm all on my own... a bottle of theraflu, a fist full of vitamins, and a cuddle with my pillows is the best I get. Kinda sad, kinda liberating.

But I'm it from here on out. My life, health, finances, and death are all on my own.

Here's to me...
Peace, Love and Harmony