Daily Incantations

I've been kinda outta pocket these last couple weeks.

I've started dating my ex, which is weird enough... and more than fun. I've started doing art for art's sake, which is nirvanna... I've started studying online tutorials at Lynda.com in order to get back up to speed with Actionscript programming in Adobe's Flex, which is hard work right now...

I've taken on a whole lot... on top of all of this, I walk three days a week, 1 hour a day, 4.5 miles per hour. My eating habits have fluctuated lately, what with eating more meals with Skye, and the guys at work are bringing sweets in to work... I've been able to manage my weight lately without any help. However, I think it's almost time to head back and pick up at Livestrong.com for some help.

I was doing ok, but then I started being presented with options... something I could manage when I was the only one in my life... However, no man is an island, and eventually I have started to hang out and be one with the herd. This means more interaction with foods that I wouldn't normally allow myself to be tempted with.

It all boils down to...
I was 287lbs in December.
I have brought myself down to 242lbs as of two weeks ago.
As of yesterday?
I was at 249lbs.

SO... I am stepping back on track with taking my eating habits seriously. I am locking down the relaxed stance towards junk food. And I think that will take care of the problem... not that it's really a problem... it's just annoying, cause I was doing so well.

Truth be told? I've bounced a couple times before, but never this close to my goals. So it's pissing me off... I figure that managing my weight is something I will always need to do. I'm just trying to lock down my eating habits now to something I can live with forever. Because yo-yo-ing with your weight is bad for you.

Anyway...

Dating. I've been out there, mingling a little with the crowd, and it's been good and bad. I've met some women I wouldn't mind adding to my friends list, but nothing really seriously worth paying attention to. It could be because of my approach? It could be because of incompatibility. *shrugs*

I've been spending more time lately with my ex. We danced back and forth a few times the last month or so and finally had a sit down.

See, the largest reason we divorced was because I wouldn't get a life.

I would come home, and begin my day of caring for her. I could always find a reason to not go hang with friends, to not invite friends over, etc. There was always something to clean up or fetch, and thus... that's what I did. Which meant I was unhappy. I never progressed in the things I enjoy, I never tried new things, because there was always a reason to be busy.

My ex tried to tell me this, and I always felt that it was the husbands job to do what was needed. I never focused on the thought that if I didn't have a life, I wasn't bringing anything interesting to the relationship. I was just the hired help.

Well, I've gotten a life... a couple actually. Those things I always ALMSOT did when I was married? I am dancing in now. I've lost almost 50lbs. I exercise 3 days a week, and that number will be rising soon (once I hit my target weight). I'm 'doing' things now...

Which clears up most of the problems we had in our marriage.
So where do we go from here?
Well, therein lies the problem. I'm clueless when it comes to relationships. Oh, I know all the right things to SAY to someone where I am... but I can't seem to believe those things. I'm a RUSH INTO EVERYTHING kinda guy. Which is why we ended up where we did just last year.

So pulling on the reigns in ANY relationship is foreign for me. But I'm learning it...

It's a weird little dance to say the least...
It's really nice to have her around me tho...
Especially since I'm into so many cool things now...

I like getting to share with her things that I only used to talk about.
I'm doing them now tho...

SO...
Life hasn't slowed down, it's still exciting (sigh), and still moving forward full steam ahead.

I've started and completed some paintings...
I've started some 3D artwork (sculpting), but they got bogged down in personal stuff and still need to be revisited. I will be doing some sketching tonight, after the bar. I'm not a drinker so I won't be sloshed, but I do plan on having my first-ever 'Green Beer' tonight. So that'll be nice. I'm all dressed up as a Leprechaun at work today, meeting Skye tonight after work to head to the bar and freak out our friends who don't know that we are dating yet... we might just have to hold hands or kiss or something to freak them completely out... chuckle.

Either way... tonight is a busy night. Tomorrow I walk and hopefully study online some more... Maybe get back to my sculpting project... Whatever it is? I am sure that I will do it because I want to... That's why I am doing anything nowadays...

Cause I want to...

New Years

Well, I started 2008 out married to someone I thought would be with me forever.
I ended 2008 single.

You win some, you lose some.

So what now?
Well, tonight... it's 10:00pm (roughly) and I'm heading to bed. This year is done. I am SO glad I can get it behind me. 2009 is when I start on me... 100%, no cutting corners.

Resolutions

1. Single for a year.
   
   I do not plan on pursuing any relationship that generally ends up in bed. If you are in my life, you are a friend, and that's all I am hoping for this year. I realized I haven't spent a year by myself in too long. So this is it for me. I want friends, lots of them... but nothing serious... not this year.
   


2. Eat right. Exercise.
   
   I've already started this, but I'm enforcing it now. No cheats, no cookies, candies, etc. (on a regular basis) I'm not gonna go full-retarded and say I will eat nor drink no sugar... What I'm saying is, I'm avoiding it on anything but a rare basis. Granted, it'll be easier when I live alone. But I don't wanna be one of those computer guys that struggles to stand up. Hell, I'm not even sure I wanna be one of those computer guys anymore. I have alot I want to explore... we shall see...
   


3. Roof.
   
   I am focused on putting myself into a Bat Cave.
   
   I've always wanted my own space to furnish and decorate as I saw fit. This is my chance. I've already been approved for a home loan. I've already found a house that I think I'm gonna start working on (making offers, etc.), the only thing left is to get another couple hundred bucks in my bank account for those things I need like a bed, towels, plates, etc. I'm almost there.
   


4. School.
   
   I have three years to get to a Bachelors. I have roughly 26 hours completed. That's only 3 times that left (give or take a few). I am going to make this my largest and strongest goal. School. I want a degree. I had thought at one point my 15+ years computer experience would be enough? It never has been. So if they freaking need a degree? I'll get a damn degree... sigh. I think it's ridiculous tho.
   


5. Create.
   
   I've had so many things inside me that need out? It's ridiculous. I've got drawing, painting, music, and creating just DYING to get out. This is my year to unlock the doors in front of my imagination.
   


6. Share.
   
   I've got a volunteer packet in the mail already. I'm going to be volunteering at the childrens hospital as soon as I get approved. I love kids. I've worked with kids. I would love to be someone who might be able to help in some way with kids. I don't ever want to have kids tho. I'm happy for my children to be memetic versus genetic offspring.
   


7. Book.
   
   I've got a book concept. I want it to be outlined by years end. I still have alot of research before I start anything beyond mere drafting writing. But I think it's not impossible to expect a decent outline for the book. This book is my lifes work, my goal. I believe it will help many people... now I just have to write it.
   


8. Me.
   
   Seems redundant. To put ME on my list of new years resolutions. But it's important. I've lived for so long without feeling like I deserved to be allowed to think about being me. I apologize for more things than I do wrong... I don't feel like I deserve the basic treatments the average person expects... I'm tired of that. It comes from some seriously messed up deep-seated psychological issues. Most of which became painfully clear in this last marriage. I want to heal me, allow myself to be me, and have it all be worth it.
   Nuff said.
   

This is the last time I will ever use this computer. I'm going to be taking it apart to use some of the pieces in my new computer. I'm cannibalizing this bitch for a better deck. I'm going to start some development and studies on web applications teamed up with iPhone development as well. I've got alot to study, but I think I am ready. I know I feel ready.

2009, here I come... granted, I'll be sleeping through your awakening moments. But I'm sure you'll forgive me... because I said so! I'm making you my bitch 2009, I hope you are ready.

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease my friends.

Silent Waves

I'm sitting at my desk, in a mostly empty building, the day after x-mas. And yes, I purposely remove the christ from christmas, but not because I'm an atheist. I do it because of the anger I feel at the whole xtian mythology.

I spent most of my life wading through dogma and doctrine, praying fervently, begging to hear the voice of god... and when I never did? Rather than realize that meant I was (mostly) sane? I felt let down...

As it turns out? I kept studying, I kept driving towards that mark, that knowledge, that connection. Turns out I was merely following the genetic drives that cause most people to be theists... Dualism and Teleology... If you need to know more? Read "The Selfish Gene" by Dawkins, he explains it all.

So my genetics drove me to search for a higher power that doesn't even exist.
That's kinda fucked up ain't it... when you REALLY think about it?

But it's ok. Because those same genetics make it possible to dream, think, connect, walk and talk... and feel... and be. I feel like I am drifting lately. I'm 37 years old and that bounces me between feeling old? And feeling young. Sometimes it's enough to make me crazy.

But it's these Silent waves that are dancing through me... music, trance, beats...

I got an iPhone recently, it was a life gift to myself. I say "life gift" because I wanted it, under the previous regime I couldn't afford it, and it fulfills some desires I've had for awhile. I'm now officially connected to the interwebz. Sad? Maybe... but I've been happy. The flip side to the coin is an aspect of owning this sucker that I never considered. iPod?!

I haven't gone more than 20 minutes sans music.
I have started to feel those drives I used to have.
To create... to make magic... to build and dream...

I was sitting at my desk today, surrounded by digital 'garbage' that is my 'job' and I realized...

1) I have this job SIMPLY so I could maintain the Health Insurance for my wife's condition.
2) I hate this job.

Sadly, I feel like Will Ferrel in "Step Brothers" in that I've had to grow up just enough that I can't just let this job go to pursue my dream. I'm instead planning out how to GET to my dream without losing the steady (and not bad) income that I have right now. It's kinda like peeling off a scab. It hurts like billy-oh coming off, but once it's gone it feels great.

So I'm slowly peeling off the 'scab' that is my current life to reveal the pinkish not yet healed skin underneath. Hopefully I don't get an infection!

lol.

Ah... But what are you gonna do?

Tomorrow is the weekend. I'm gonna get to hang out with a new friend (hopefully!) and she's an atheist! I do not know a single atheist locally. So to be able to commune with another infidel has me at some high points for sure. To KNOW that a conversation will not contain such phrases as "well I believe that" or "he answered MY prayers so he can answer yours" or "you should pray about that" just about makes me drunk with joy... lol.

All of my atheist friends live on the interwebz. Because prior to my joining the ranks of the heathens, I was a searching theist... therefore ALL OF MY FRIENDS were (and sadly are) theists to some degree or another.

Now I say I'm an atheist, but I have to freely admit I do have ONE belief. And it's in the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" because, I mean... If you're going to believe in a super-powerful individual for which there is not a single shred of observational evidence in reality for? The Flying Spaghetti Monster is just that much more fun.

I mean what other heaven has Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories?!

Just doesn't get better... except it does!
Pirates! You gotta dress like a pirate to respectfully preach his word.

And his word is pasta!

RAmen...
Well, on that note, I'm going back to my book and the last 18 minutes of this sad little lunch break alone... my office empty. I'm thinking about turning off the lights and sitting in the dark. More moody that way... and I could make scary ghost sounds too... hmmmmm

brb.

The Zombie Perspective

So it's been a couple days.
I've had time to ponder over the events of the last few days of my life, last few months, and even (lo and behold) the last few years...

I have said, and now believe, that I have been given another chance to do my life right. I fought this divorce so hard. It's against who I am to allow a relationship to die without fighting for it. But it takes two to make it a fight... so here I am...

I felt like a failure when this thing fell over. But a very good (and completely imaginary) friend of mine said, that once you know the truth of the matter... why someone does something (or in my case did something) you can understand their motives, you know WHY they would make decisions that you weren't compelled to make, which allows you to forgive real (or even perceived) wrong doings on their part.

I understand...
I get it...
Finally...

Now I have to fight the apathy towards them. It's no longer a hatred, or anger, or fierce emotions... it's the uncaring sensation that says they made themselves obsolete in my circle of friends. But should I fight it? Should I try to be friends with someone who... it doesn't matter. It will all work itself out.

I am free...
So weird, so odd... these wings of freedom are finally mine... luckily, because I trusted they would come and so I jumped off the precipice before I ever received them. Now they can protect me from the looming ground of death, and the merciless pull of the gravity of time and emotion. I'm free to be me. And all the wonder and oddness that entails.

I'm really ready to start writing about memetics and memes again tho, to tell you the truth. I'm tired of being wrapped up in this little pain ball called divorce. Ready to be free, single, mine...

Who knows what tomorrow brings?
No one...
But I know that 7:45pm tonight holds a Zombie flick called Quarantine for ME!

Trance Music, XMas, December, My Life

So it's December 11th.
Thursday.
7:56am

I'm zoning to some Trance music, loving it. The "La La La Girls" by Paffendorf is playing in my ears right now.

XMas is roughly 14 days from today, and I am dreading the experience... it's too close to this whole divorce thing. I'm planning of losing December 2008 from my life. No holidays, no new years, but January 1st... the rebirth.

I'm exactly where I am supposed to. Not that there is a planner who got things right, not that I hoped to be here, but this is where the events of my life have led me to. I don't plan on ignoring that.

This is as good as it gets for Brian Scott O'keefe. Right now. But it's not a ceiling to my capabilities by any means.

I'm learning that I have to reinvent myself daily. If I want something to stick, it has to remain important to me everyday, otherwise it CAN fade to black. So I'm reevaluating 'again' and keeping my forward momentum. It feels good, I feel good, I'm just a little anxious, impatient. I'm ready to be doing rather than planning. But... this is where I am. So this is what I'm doing.

I'm obviously not enjoying this holiday. But that's my problem. I plan on making next year be amazingly opposite.

I guess we can all wait and see.