Day 5 : Land is in sight

I'm on day 5 of this new and beautiful year. I'm sitting here at 6:44am eating steak and salad for breakfast. It's kinda weird tho, cause I'm eating a 4oz steak. I used to think of this size as the kiddie meal. However, I ate the salad first (and it was small, half a bowl even) and I was almost too full for this about 4oz steak.

I'm wearing clothes that would have looked ridiculous on me a year ago because they would have been stretched thin. Now they are actually baggy on me.

I'm feeling better about myself today than I have in months, if not years.

I still get these overwhelming feelings of fear tho?
I know I'm just 2 weeks shy of a divorce, that did kind of kick my foundations around. But I have been married before, and the divorce crushed me.... for about 2 months.

oh.

LOL!
This is why I journal... why I blog. It's only been a month for this divorce, duh. wow. I'm kinda surprised how clueless I can be on certain subjects sometimes. But there ya go.

Well, then I guess I'm doing wonderful considering. I'm feeling more healthy than ever. I'm feeling more alive than ever. Hell, Saturday I was walking on air for most of the day. Granted, I collapsed into a quivering sobbing wreck around evening time, but that was because I had to say no to myself. I think for the first time.

I had to say no about something I REALLY, REALLY wanted... I mean REALLY, REALLY wanted.

See, I've been house shopping. And for those who know me better, you will know I've been living with one of my younger brothers and his wife. Well, I have days/moments/hours/whatever where I get emotional. (I'm dealing with a divorce, deal with it) Well, I want to cry and rail at the universe, but I am surrounded by family... within hearing distance... so this means I can't always "let go" like I need to.

SO... I've been house shopping because an Apartment seems like a money trap. You never get anywhere with it. You just keep giving them money, you never get to fix up the place (like paint the walls or decorate crazy), and it just doesn't appeal.

Well, I found a house. 3 bedroom, central heat and air, all appliances, nice neighborhood, the works. They wanted about $20k more than the house was worth (and I know the value, I work for City Govt... I looked it up) and I was ok with it all. The pro's outweighed the cons. Well, my family wanted to have a look at this house I was showing interest in. So I thought it would be great.

They could look it over, tell me what they thought. I could factor that in with how much I would offer, etc.

They were apparently certain that I was going to move in. So they were not discouraging at all. They merely pointed out common sense articles. By the time our showing was over? I would be a fool to want that house. The foundation is obviously bunged up, the windows need replacing, the house is cockeyed so who knows what else is screwed up... just too much.

So I couldn't intelligently say "Yeah, let's get this house" and admit to myself I was being a logical human being.

So I had to say "No."

I've never done this apparently, because it thoroughly wrecked me.

I know that I have some seriously immature emotional expectations about life. I've learned this while working through my divorce. But I am kinda floored by how much maturing I need. Which is a big part of the reason I made the New Years resolutions I did.

I don't know how to fill my hours in. Between morning and evening, I feel lost. BUT, the computer I am writing this blog on is my first step to winning back my independence from a failed marriage... a failed life. I am going to begin to find my path, and yes... it starts with a digital focus. Why? Because this is what I know best. I know computers... I know the internet... I can start here and see where I need to go.

Well, I'm about 3/4 of the way done with my steak. I'm almost full. It's crazy. For those who don't know me, I have always been a big boy. 6'4", averaging around 250lbs, most of it NOT muscle... I haven't been mistaken for a "hard-case" too often. But I'm getting there... I just bought new jeans recently and they are already a little loose. It's kind of cool. Kinda weird too.

Well, It's 7:00am, I'm gonna get to some house shopping. My realtor has a webpage she built just for me. I can view all the houses that fit my criteria on it. Pick some out to go look at.

I wish you all the best of luck.
I love you most.
Thanks for reading.

A New Day Is Dawning

Well, I am almost feeling normal again.

I've started working on the friendship my ex-wife discussed but I never quite believed. I believe it now... she meant it. So that's a relief.

I'm typing this on my brand-spanking new computer! My brother sold me his old desktop, which is still a nice machine! So, I'm in the middle of getting it up to speed, and blogging while downloads and installs are flying left and right.

I'm going to be getting back into Illustrator and Photoshop like I've always wanted to.
I'm going to be picking up the SYMFONY development, and begin putting together some iPhone-ready websites.
I'm going to be stepping back into my writing, I have like 3 books I started years ago and abandoned for various reason I would like to blame on my ex-wife. (chuckle)

I'm just happy to be communicating digitally and able to type close to my 100+ wpm on a digital keyboard! The iPhone keyboard is a wee bit of a suck. But everything else about it roxxorz.

I'm excited!
Happy.
Content even.

I am listening to "They Might Be Giants" and enjoying every cheesy moment of them...
Learning how to be me...
I'm proud of me.

Wish me luck... it's all starting to happen now.

Epiphanies

So I've had my iPhone for about 2 weeks now. I've been checking out a VAST ARRAY of iPhone Apps. Looking for concepts and ideas that make an App Great. I just sat down on my lunch break to breeze through some of the blogs that I follow (you should check them out on my profile... some are awesome) and I stumbled across reading my own blog. The last one in fact, about resolutions.

I thought of the things I want to "create" and it hit me.

I saw the perfect way to lay out a new app. A project I've been working on (kinda) for the last couple years, but I always seemed to find a marital reason to make it die or go away. My poor client was so patient, he never actually gave up, but I told him I would be temporarily inconvenienced and unavailable for working on his project until I got my life sorted out.

Well, I just saw his project as an iPhone app.
I think I could put together all aspects of this quite nicely...
I'm all of a sudden WAY too excited (chuckle). SO, that's one more reason to be happy this 2nd day of my new year.

I had a perfect New Years Day, I spent some time with (of all people) my ex-wife. We hashed out some serious issues we have had and I feel that much closer to figuring out where we are now. I feel freedom from being responsible for her (obviously), and I don't possess her (in that way I felt as a husband), and we were able to be friends. Nicely. We watched a movie and chatted and all in all... I'm happy.

That's all that matters isn't it...?
Well, I think so.

All of my problems didn't solve themselves tho. I think I've figured out which house I want to buy, however, my Real Estate Agent just showed me one in Sand Springs that's bigger, has more bedrooms, one more car garage and is almost $20k cheaper?! I don't know what to do about that. Cause I REALLY don't wanna live in Sand Springs, but that's quite a deal.

No, who am I kidding. Security, Comfort and Cost. Those are what you look for in a home. I don't trust Sand Springs, I wouldn't be comfortable there, altho the Cost is insane. Especially for the pictures that are listed.

So, it looks like I'll start making those grown up and adult movements towards the house that has my fancy. I have to talk the owners down almost $5k AND get them to cough up 6% of the closing costs. OR I would go down $2k also with 6% closing costs and that would be just as well. Either way, that makes the house payments in a range I am happy with.

But if I get this? We are talking a 3 bedroom house. 1 car garage. Central heating and air. All appliances. Shed in the backyard. Red bricked patio. It's very nice. Granted, I would have to enlarge the bathroom into one of the other bedrooms for the bath of my dreams, and merge two of the bedrooms into a single wonderfully sized Master Bedroom that would be larger than the living room. Hell, I'm considering making it a studio apartment. Blow out both bedrooms into one huge room.

Who knows. Still taking it all in.
Trying to find out who I am.
What I want.
How I get it.

I saw most of "The Secret" last night with my ex. It's a documentary on a meta-physical concept for Positive Thinking. It was neat how alot of their concepts were a part of who I am already and I have accounted to those aspects much of why I am where I am now. But it gave me a desire to try to expand what I accomplish and gain 10-fold. I've lived with a fairly meager expectance out of life.

I'm adding on to my resolutions a little I think.

I want to make $10 million dollars.
A year.

Not to be rich, but so I don't ever have to worry about money again.
So if you've seen the secret, you know what I am doing to get there.

I don't really have a dream car.
I don't really have a dream house.
I want to live near the ocean.
I want to draw and paint and make music of some kind...
I would be interested in sculpting...
I would absolutely love to write (and be published).
I want to be in shape and healthy.
Other than that, my life's goals are formed and discarded on a daily basis.

Where will I be in one years time?
I'm looking forward to finding out.

It's 12:30pm at work.
I'm making goals, planning, reinventing who I am.
I don't even want to stop.

Who will I be tomorrow?

One foot in front of the other

It's an uphill climb somedays, and somedays it's a slalom downhill on skis.

Today is a decent downhill slope.

Finding each step required for my forward momentum, and then actually TAKING that step, is very exciting. Making new friends, battling the social anxiety that is so NEW for me, making life altering decisions despite having incomplete information... hard, hard and scary.

I used to be the guy who made a new friend everyday almost. Now, I've learned how to live without, not happily, but definitely live. So it's hard for me to open up and let go of my locks without just flying the door wide open. I seem to have lost any stopper when sharing who I am. Those healthy boundaries as well as the unhealthy ones are just not there.

Being around large groups of people is also something I used to have no issues with. Now? I am quite uncomfortable around groups larger than 3. I used to be an announcer for a Roller Derby Team, I've coached Little League Roller Hockey, Soccer and worked in youth ministries (back in my theistic days). Now the thought of being around large groups of people makes me queasy.

I guess part of this all is because of where I am. I KNOW that working through the baggage from this marriage is going to take time, and it's going to be tough. Figuring out how to be a good friend without emotionally vomiting on people is something I've got to grasp and quick if I hope to maintain the friends I have (and the new friends I'm trying to have). Learning how to be inside of me, and allow my feelings and peace-of-mind to stay balanced, is something I've gotta learn as well since I would like to be around and involved with large groups of people as well. Hell, I think it would be awesome to someday have something worth saying, people interested in hearing it, and speaking in front of audiences.

It's all part and parcel of the package that is me.
(are you staring at my package?)

I'm striving for the change that is begun in my life but is not yet realized. I want to find the true me, the centered Brian. The randomblink. All the aspects that make up ME. I have friends and family that claim to know me, when they describe me I feel lost... confused... part of me recognizes who they are describing, but most of me just fuzzes up.

I'm impatient. I found out last night for sure. No granted, I've been told it was a good night, but I feel like I emotionally vomitted on a new friend. I feel so lost at how to be a good friend. I understand that friendship is a give and take, but how do you recover from a massive "take" on your first meet? I don't want to take the time it takes to make those friendships that last forever, I get impatient, I want to speed things up and get to the good times... the laughing at nothing, the all-nighter-movies and popcorn on a living room floor... video games till your head starts hurting.

I miss Farel. He was my best buddy growing up. We shared everything... and I mean every-fucking-thing. We used to sit and draw for hours, read our comics, play role-playing games, re-enact scenes from Star Wars, share our dreams... I remember feeling closer to him than I had ever felt to anybody. He was like a piece of me. Then life got in the way and we drifted apart. And I miss that friendship.

However, I did the things that separated us. I made decisions that hurt him, insulted him, and drove him away as a friend. I was a prick... a selfish prick. I guess this is what it means to deal with my issues. Walking through this emotional wasteland is painful, it doesn't all have to deal with my wife, and it's scary.

Finding my strengths and weaknesses... cataloging them all... finding my core.
The true solid me.

I'm in a weird mood. I feel lost but not lonely. I realized that after last night, I am capable of interacting with people and making new connections (hopefully ones that last), but the ability to communicate with others doesn't seem quite as scary as it was... chuckle. Now granted, I feel like I emotionally just vomited all over her, but I got the impression that she was ok with it. She listened, and shared her own stories. Feeling a connection of any kind was very nice and reassuring. You get so tied up in one person, so enmeshed, for so long, and you start to feel socially retarded.

I mean making new friends WITHOUT my wife involved? New, Scary, Uncertain.
But I feel like I can do it now.

Granted, I don't want to let that much of myself go with someone I just met ever again. But some people give you that feeling of knowing them already? I felt that, for better or worse, safe and trusted. So I guess I can only cross my fingers and hope my emotional freak out doesn't bite me in the ass. But I don't think it will. Some people just feel like home... *shrugs*

Anyway, I'm sitting in an empty house, and oddly enough today... I don't feel lonely. I feel alone, but not without. I feel like I had therapy last night, in a way that I haven't had before. But they say that that is what socializing is all about. You share who you are on one level or another, you have someone else share themselves with you on one level or another. And in the end you have a tenuous relationship. From there you grow what you want, both of you. New people can enter in on that thread, but it always starts with two. The first thread being the one you create with your mother (usually) and everything else bases on that.

Rambling apparently, I'm not making sense of what I'm writing, but it's kinda freeflow, just releasing the voices in my head and heart. I've got some weird (weird because they are so calm) emotions right now. They are steady and strong, not like my normal spasms of emotional drives. So I'm hoping this is me processing, dealing with who I am... dealing who I am becoming... dealing with my life.

Tomorrow I am getting some things done that have been long overdue. I have had some desires and drives that I didn't know HOW to get started, I finally found the names last Friday. So I am crossing my fingers. Money and Time. Those are the areas I am focusing on.

Friday I take my grandmother to an ORU basketball game, that'll be really nice. She loves ORU basketball, and since my grandfather passed away the same week my divorce started, it's weird and peaceful to interact with my grandmother... lol. But taking her will be lots of fun.

I just made some deals to possibly get myself a new computer sometime this week. So I am hoping to have a better system so I can do more on my free time with my dream projects. I can start developing a few of my first apps for the iPhone without having a Mac. And if I can start generating some cash of them? I could afford the Mac to start developing iPhone apps full time. So, we shall see... having a system that loads up all the way would be better than nice. So that's exciting...

What else...?
I guess that's it.

Today is a good day tater... live it full and strong.
Don't let life get in your way.
That's all I got.